Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I meet so many young folks who say, “If I got to go and die in a war at 18, I want the right to vote at 18.” Don’t be no damn fool. You got to die at 18, you better fight to get the right to vote at 17.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.