Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.