Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.
And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
This is my favorite argument against gay marriage. It’s from Senator John Cornyn of Texas… he goes “Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn’t affect your everyday life. But that doesn’t mean it’s right.”... I think it’s pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle… That’s not the first animal you jump to when you’re writing that analogy.