Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.