Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1085

And to those people with no children but who think they'd like to have them some day to fulfill their lives. Remember: With fulfillment comes responsibility.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

At one point he decided enough was enough.