Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092
I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, "May have lice."
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.