Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I'm sick to fucking death of skinheads queue jumping at Disneyland!

You might be a redneck if you have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.