Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.