Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Feeling in love and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

I got bused to school into a poor white neighborhood. A neighborhood worse than the one I lived in. And everybody’s scared of black people, everybody’s scared of Puerto Ricans. Yo, there ain’t nothing scarier than poor white people… Yo, these muthafuckers, they lived under the trailer home, alright. They weren’t white trash, they’re like white toxic waste.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.