Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1092

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

What do atheists scream when they come?"

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Don't get me wrong - I'll put $25 on the ground and then if you pick it up and we have sex in an alley, that's not a crime. That's a coincidence.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

The food is out of this world!

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

It seems like movies that have heart to them always do well, and they find their audience.