Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and give you a few pure truths. Number one, duct tape will save your life. Number two, Tupac is alive, but I need you to keep that on the DL because of Suge. And number three, don't be afraid of anything - except the television news because they're lying to you every night.

You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or are on fire, or have been shot in the head, or whatever it is!

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia.

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!"

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.