Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

I’m the munter of my friends. I’ve got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I’m a heart-throb.

Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

There's more to life than sitting around in the sun in your underwear playing the clarinet.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.