Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

I'm really funny now.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

They were going crazy in Kansas. People were up to 9 p.m. I think that was the greatest thing to happen to Kansas since the eradication of the boll weevil.

Count your blessings, but not out-loud, at the top of your lungs.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.