Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
I just broke up with my girl friend, i caught her lying....under another man.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'
I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"