Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091

What's the latest dope on Wall Street? My son!

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I’ve found that if that’s all you have, you can’t get it out.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.

Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.