Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091
Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say "I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean". I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?