Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1091
I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.
I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.
They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver while I was having a cocktail.
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?
Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.