Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1118
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
They could have gotten help for this infertility but they believed that interfering with the reproductive process, even if it was faulty, was anti-God. It was against His plan. It never occurred to them that God may have provided the world with a vast array of very brainy medical types for the very reason of solving problems such as theirs. However, there is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
I've had, what, two years? Probably five good years. Before that I had twenty years of uncertainty and suffering and ego destruction and poverty. All those things. That'll always outweigh the good times.
Again, America is a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
On Thursday, I changed the names of all my fish, and they didn't seem to mind - especially Dead Tony.
This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
Do you feel insecure because you keep getting the nagging feeling that you're not that smart? Well, I've got good news for you, my friend. You have no need to be insecure. That nagging feeling is absolutely right on target. You are not that smart. But I have more good news for you. You are also not alone.