Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.
Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I was talking to Alan Jackson. He had his second Greatest Hits album. He said, You don't ever get into this really thinking you're gonna make it.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Have people always been this angry? I’ve got a funny idea that before the internet people were just writing ‘fuck you’ and attaching it to pigeons.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."
Fang can’t stand to see trash and garbage lying around the house. He can’t stand the competition.
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!
Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, “Gday Gday how you doing no worries next”.
How are you gonna make an ‘idol’ from the type of person you’re trying to avoid in real life?
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80’s