Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"

I come from a very large family - nine parents.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Parenthood requires saying things you never thought you'd say, like, "Sit still and let me wipe your butt!"

You look like a horse in a man costume

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.