Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich -- dirty.'

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren't any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I'd give that a twist.

If you take a negative, turn it inside out, it’s still a negative. You’re just revealing the ugly inside of negative so I say keep it as is.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

You might be a redneck if you own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.

They're so broke that they've actually cut essential services. In many places, they've cut policemen, because, who the fuck needs them? Or firemen, son of a bitch, it's much more fun watching something burn down.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was, " Of course I know that I'm wrong."

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used cap.

People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.