Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1119
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.
Valentines day are coming up and a German company has made chokolate in shapes of couples making love. I don't like them... I don't want my chokolate to have more fun than me.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
There’s nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.
You might be a redneck if the rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.
If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are.
George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.