Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1117
I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
She told me when we have sex, that's the only time I make her laugh.
You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised...
Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.
He writes so well he makes me feel like putting the quill back in the goose.
Nice to be here. I had a good day today I went to a movie. Before the movie now they show you that presentation where they explain that you shouldn't download movies on the Internet because you're hurting all the people that work on them. They need to feed their families so you shouldn't download the movies. And I saw this and I thought, "Wow, I had no idea. I didn't know you could download movies on the Internet... I don't care about those people."
If you've never had a colonic, imagine getting butt raped by a melting snowman. If you have had a colonic, are you sure it was a colonic?
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or reckoning, I'm like, "whew!"
You might be a redneck if someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.