Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1117

At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.

I have one phobia, snakes. And by "snakes" I mean "intimacy."

Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

So glad I'm not the only guy who thinks about killing everyone wearing a hoodie.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

Oh yeah, I’m mentally screwed up for life. But I look good.

You’re a walking tumor. Actually, it’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

You might be a redneck if you have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.