Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1117

I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'

I just want to be myself.

There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Superheroes. Because we needed something to make regular heroes feel shitty.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

New synonyms for sex: ""Going to a family function," "getting the hard part over with," "anti-fillet." Get it? Sex!

Here's a guy who's never faced combat or anything in his life - or really had a tough day - and he's like, 'Bring it on,' I love that. He's like, 'Ya got a problem? Bring it on. Over there. In Iraq. Where the troops are.'

I'm a hard guy to live with. I'm like a caged animal. I'm up all night walking around the living room. It's hard for me to come down from what I do.

[America is] simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

One in the morning, you have people waiting for a booth to open at a Waffle House.

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.