Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1117
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
The goals for me have changed somewhat. There's a bit of seduction to the idea of being on network, but it got to the point where that wasn't important. What's important is doing something worthwhile. Which is why I've always avoided being on a sitcom. Yeah, it's high-profile and it's on a network, but you know what? You could be on Suddenly Stewart.
My plan this year is to achieve spiritual enlightenment through ceaseless competition with everything.
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ’s playlist.
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry.'
"I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin."