Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120
George Bush says, "Gore's book needs a lot of explaining." Of course, Bush says that about every book.
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'
It cannot be easy being a Muslim in America at the moment.... For instance, there are some people in America that cannot tell the difference between Muslims -- of which there are hundreds of millions -- and terrorists. Now, just think for a second about quite how offensive that is. That's like if the Muslim world could not differentiate between American people and professional baseball players.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."
The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, “children are our most prescious natural resource”. I thought, “let’s hope it never comes to that”.
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.