Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120
The kind of people that say “political correctness gone mad” are usually using that phrase as a kind of cover action to attack minorities or people that they disagree with. [...] And I’m sick, I’m really sick– 84% of you in this room that have agreed with this phrase, you’re like those people who turn around and go, “you know who the most oppressed minorities in Britain are? White, middle-class men.” You’re a bunch of idiots.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
The TV season is a year-long thing now, and the networks are starting to look at it that way, thanks to cable, satellites, and competition.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, "on your face."
Send her a quick note while you`re stuck in a long meeting. A lighthearted chat definitely makes the time go faster.
There's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'You drink too much. You sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
I woke up with a bloody nose this morning. I said, 'yeech, who threw that in there?'