Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120

People always tell me I need to have a kid, and I say, "No, I don't." Because I wouldn't have just one kid; I'd have six. I need a huge family. So I just kind of fill my house with tons of rejects and misfits so it feels like I have a bunch of children.

The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

I was ugly, very ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoked cigarrettes... cigarrettes didn't kill me, a bucnh of non-smokers kicked the living shit out of me one night.

I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load".

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over 14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.