Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1120

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

I wish that every other guy were gay. Think about the leverage that would create in your relationship.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?

It's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

"Anything is possible if you believe in yourself," said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby?

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot!

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.

You look like a horse in a man costume

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.