Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

[taking a vacation with his family in Costa Rica]<br /> I go "what is it?" And she goes "we're going on a shark feeding frenzy!" Okay, wait... we're in a boat looking down in the water? "No, that's the best part! We're in the water with the sharks!" And I go "have you lost your mind???"

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it.

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt that some strands were more important than others.

You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

The average permanent lasts about four months.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.