Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146
[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.
We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!"
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
The Bush Administration is always saying, "We don't hear the good news." Yeah, because the journalists are saying, "Cover me, I'm going to the ice machine."
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.
The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.
Tough guys tend to be curious. “What are you looking at?” “Do you have a problem?” “Would you like to step outside?” “What are books?"
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.