Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Well thank you, I can hardly say I'm an 'eloquent' writer, it's like a third grade reading level.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I do occasionally envy the person who is religious naturally, without being brainwashed into it or suckered into it by all the organized hustles.

Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.

I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism; that all civilizations are just different. No! Not always. Sometimes things are better! Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy; equality of the sexes, better; protection of minorities, better; free speech, better; free elections, better; free appliances with large purchases, better! Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

If birds are attracted to your beard, you might be a redneck.

Your head is as empty as a hermit's address book.

How dare people chastise me saying my glass is always half empty... it's totally empty.

I refuse to feel guilty. I feel guilty about too much in my life but not about money. I went through periods when I had nothing, so somebody in my family has to get stinkin' wealthy.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint... a Saint Bernard!