Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1146
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What’s even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.
You might be a redneck if your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.
Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.
My fam is just a regular family. But all of them have great senses of humor.
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.