Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147
This is how youre supposed to feel every day. This is what I should have felt like my whole life! I always thought I was going to die before I was 60. My father died of a heart attack in his 40s. Im not an idiot. The writing was on the wall.
We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light. And I would hear things that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind".
I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.
If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.
Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.