Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147

I change the situation like I’m auditioning for Jersey Shore.

"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

The more you want the less you get.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Bidnick gorges himself on Viagra, but the dosage makes him hallucinate and causes him to imagine he is Pliny the Elder.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

What good are family values if they are built on hate.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

I'm not completely sure we aren't all living in a hallucination now.

I’ve never read an article of clothing.