Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1147

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the "mid" part?

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I don't necessarily think of it as Southern comedy. I just think I'm a comedian and I have a Southern accent.

I talked to Larry the Cable Guy the other day. Larry's made more money than 10 people should ever make in a lifetime. He was excited because he'd gone over to the livestock auction and bought 20 new feeder pigs.

You might be a redneck if your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: "If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus."

Did you know that a single fur coat takes 14 trees just for the protest signs?

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

Well, comedy is a great weapon of attack. It's not a great weapon of support.

If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?

I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.