Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
"As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye."
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?<br /> My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made a big, Holy load.
I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.
The Oscars is really I guess the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party. And it's exciting for the stars as well because it's the first time many of you have ever voted for a winner.
Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.
"There must be a way to get more of these in me faster," thought the inventor of pea soup as he sat eating peas.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"