Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

A good competition for comedians would be where a comedian has a conversation and is then quizzed on what the other person says.

Sarah Palin HAS to be Latina: she has a job and her husband don't work. She's gonna be a grandma, and has an infant-she's Latina.

I would think black people think everything is about race. They are the ones who are on the outside of the game. They are the ones who face it every day.

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.

It don’t take no scientist to tell who gonna have fucked up kids. If the kid calls his grandmomma mommy and his momma Pam, he going to jail.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

One of the coolest things about the word "boobs" is, when you look at it, it has boobs.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.

I wish his [Frank Ocean] music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.

No one smart is having a toilet baby. It’s never like ‘Darling you’ll never guess what has come out of my vagina’