Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145
Every group is racist. White folks will see a group of Indian people and they’re like, “Look at all those brown people, they’re probably all very happy together.” Then you get in that group and like, “Hey, you from India? I’m from India. What part? No, not that part. Go to hell you dirty bastard.”
Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" till the day I die.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...
I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"
My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"
I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.