Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1145
My grandparents had a satellite dish. They were the first ones, like, in 1961. It was like a Jewish one: it picked up problems from other families.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.
I recently read an interview in Rolling Stone, where he advocated that people should not do drugs, KEITH RICHARDS said that we should not do drugs. Keith, we can't do anymore drugs, BECAUSE YOU ALREADY FUCKIN' DID THEM ALL! There's none left, we have to wait until you die so we can smoke you're ashes, alright!
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
If we can send a person to the moon, we can send someone with AIDS to the moon, and then someday we can send everybody with AIDS to the moon.
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.