Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1190

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all Jazz is for.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

You might be a redneck if any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!

You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.

You might be a redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word "abbreviation."

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.