Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1190

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.

You might be a redneck if your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.