Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1190

I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.

We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

You might be a redneck if you use a radiator hose to fix your kitchen sink.

Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all Jazz is for.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

The average man thinks about sex every... What were we talking about?

You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever owned.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know.

He's so small, he's a waste of skin.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

You might be a redneck if none of your shirts cover your stomach.