Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1191

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

But the one recurring motif in these [80s] videos that I wish would come back were the bands that could rock so hard, they could change the physical properties of things. They would blow holes through walls or they’d walk up to your crappy Geo and go - SCRIBBLY FLABBIDY DOO - and all of sudden it’s a sleek Lamborgini.

I once felt bad because I had no blog, and then I met a man who had no podcast.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A lot of things look cooler in slow motion. Eating isn't one of them.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

America doesn't need libraries; you don’t need books here. There are plenty of books in the world, and plenty of people who've read them. It's not your area of expertise.... Stick to what you are truly great at -- TV.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two words: "The Ladies."

After you do standup for for, like, five years, you're kind of screwed because you have no other skills. You can't get other jobs. It's like being in prison: you're not suitable for any other career.

Whenever someone starts a statement with, "Let me tell you the kind of guy I am," that is a great time to start sawing your own head off.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.