Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1191

You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.

That son of mine, when they made him they broke the mold. Then they set it on fire to be sure.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. <br /> [ looks around] I'm fucked.

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! FRY HER!! FRY HER!"

You might be a redneck if... your child's first words are 'Attention K-Mart shoppers!'

I'm best in bed sexually when I'm alone and especially during a quake.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."