Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.
There's a kind of racism in the south that is really so steadfast and true that I almost kind of begrudgingly, you know, admire it in a way, and that is that there are segregated graveyards. That just to me defies all logic...but it's also, like, "Well, hats off...you're going to stick to your guns on that one, and take that shit to the grave? All right!" There's enough people to go, "Naw, man..ugh, I don't even wanna think about it. My dead, lifeless, rotting, maggot-infested corpse...next to some black man's? Ewww!!! That's gross!" But that does pose an interesting scenario, because, what's going to happen when the zombies rise out of their graves? ... "We must take over the human race-- wait, what were you?" "I'm black." "Fuck you, nigger, you can't come." "What? No! But I'm a skeleton, you can't tell!" "Fuck youuu..."
I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.
I don’t know what fire is made of - hell nobody does. All I know is that fire is awesome. I’m not a pyromaniac, but I am a pyroenthusiast.
You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.
I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, “Do you have any phone skills?”<br /> I was like, “I called you, didn’t I?”