Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

And you know that family, every few months, for years, from time to time, whatever it is they're doing they would just stop, stop and look at each other and go... what the fuck did they take?

This book is just a collection of my drawings. I never really showed them to anybody but my wife, and she always laughed at them.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

Our Times, a Brief History: As televisions became flatter, People became rounder.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.

People don’t realize that the future is just now, but later.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.