Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189
I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.
Now, I meant to talk about something else earlier on, and I've forgotten what it was. I've remembered what it is again, but I've also forgotten. And that's really what adult life is like most of the time.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
You might be a redneck if you have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You might be a redneck if you can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'
I say live and let live. That’s my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take them outside and shoot the motherfucker.