Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1189

I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I was thinking about The Boss, The King. It's sort of sad - the next legend, what are they gonna do? 'Ladies and gentlemen, Veal Cutlet!'

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo’s a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don’t know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.

Artistic idols of mine who died got an average mention of 22 seconds on the local news. Bottom-line fame-seekers, sleep with news anchors.

Being the executive producer of a film is not that difficult. It just means that you have some power. There's not a huge amount of skill involved, I don't know how much I'm giving away here. I feel like that guy on Fox, giving away the magicians' tricks. It's not rocket science, being an executive producer of a film.

You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You can’t teach an old hater new truths.

I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.

People don't talk to me on airplanes.