Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1194
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... I come to you tonight amist a very important election between 2 very qualified candidates, the hot lady [Sarah Palin] and the Tiger Woods guy [Barack Obama] ...
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your upper lip. Luckily, the girls never noticed your infantile moustache, 'cos they were hyptonised by the fire engine sized zit on your forehead.