Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1194

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and... placing bets...

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

I've gotten to the point I won't even watch the 11 o'clock news. You just walk away from it thinking how bad everything is.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

When I was growing up, my mom would have a toast at the beginning of a reunion: 'You're killing your father.'

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.' Um, I’ll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

Don’t be intimidated by my outfit, it’s Forever 21.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".

You might be a redneck if you won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.