Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1194
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
You might be a redneck if the richest member of your family bought a house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
I'm very in love, but I'm not going to jump up and down on your couch. I'm sorry.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
You might be a redneck if you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When I die I'll be cremated and my ashes sprinkled over my shrink's toupee.
You might be a redneck if you have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.