Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

There seems to be an extremely low probability that when I meet someone who has been described to me as “brassy” that I will like this person, even a little bit.

We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom vain but totally different.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken.

Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.

If you think the French Riviera is foreign car, you might be a redneck.

Nothing says used car dealership like wacky inflatable tube men writhing about in the wind

I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."