Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
I was sort of tricked into marrying. One night I was out with Fang and a girl said, “You better hand on to him.” I thought I had a prize. I didn’t know she meant that after one drink he falls down.
When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn.
You might be a redneck if you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.'
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.