Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

You might be a redneck if your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I like to approach every day like it's my first, so this morning when I woke up I covered my body with red gelatin.

You might be a redneck if you consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game he was watching was better.

Once I started to look i finally began to see.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

You know, at parties, people always ask, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi!

If you have a lip ring try hanging some tiny keys from it. This will make you look even more interesting.

One thing that I've always wanted to do ever since I was little. I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light... "Ahh!" That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I'm here for you. Don't suck me up by my chest, that hurts. You're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute? It would be great to be abducted. What did you guy's do this weekend? "Dude, we got hammered, it was awesome." Ohh yeah? I was abducted. I was zipping around the galaxy.