Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1195

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.

My uncle put his finger in my no-no!

Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet.

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Someone just told me that I enjoyed my weekend.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

Whenever I walk people try and hand me a flyer. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

I can't be in two places at one time unless I'm alone.

I'm single. I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."