Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193

Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.'

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

Some people are widely read. I'm thinly read.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I belong to a gym now. Well, let me rephrase that: I don't belong there at all, but I go.

There’s nothing that beats proving you’re funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Have a good night pals. I mean someone has to.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

You might be a redneck if you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

Corn is the only food you hold like corn.