Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193

If you try to hit a grand slam, you're going to strike out.

I graduated from Temple University. Physical education major with a child psychology minor. Which means if you ask me a question about a child’s behavior, I will tell you to tell the child to take a lap.

Men and women we look at movie so differently. Men look at how much money is spent. Women look at how much money is saved. If it just cost $300 and if I get it for $150 what have I done ladies? Saved $150. Of course. My husband thinks I’ve spent $150. What’s it like in there?

I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day. Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly." Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't? Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." Shwwooosh and zip up into the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look.

As a comic, you learn to use your voice because you don't have the benefit of visual things.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

You might be a redneck if you have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You might be a redneck if you think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... I like to live on the edge...

When in doubt about who's to blame, blame the English.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!