Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1193

When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"

People are always introducing me as "Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne." I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am – I'm white!

I never give advice - I give warnings to live by.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

You might be a redneck if momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

I had amnesia once or twice.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

My old man took me to a freak show. They said, "Get the kid outta here. He's distracting from the show."

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

You might be a redneck if you have a rag for a gas cap on a car that does run.

I started off as a ballerina. I had to quit ballet after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.