Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are...

Per capita - just about everyone has no idea what a ‘capita’ is.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

You might be a redneck if you're an expert on worm beds.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

I don't like the term 'intercourse'. I've always described sex as having taken her vagina 'into custody'.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

My dog. Last night four times he went on the paper. Three times I was reading it.

You might be a redneck if your vehicle has a two-tone paint job - primer red and primer gray.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I wish you'd say that to my face. Not because I'm offended, but because I'm lonely and could use the company.