Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228
When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!
Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.
When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother’s.
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
Celebrated father's day by congratulating myself for not having a kid.
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.