Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake...We have shows like Extreme Make-Over: "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it."
Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.
The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as "not at all attracted to me".
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.