Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1228
I’m not very good with people. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. And I’d be like, “I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “Whatever, queer.”
You might be a redneck if during your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.
The Americans want to build a big tower on the site of September the 11th. Freedom Tower they're going to call it but now apparently they're worried and they're looking at ways to try and make it terrorist proof. I think they should have just build a giant fucking mosque. No one is going to fly into that are they?! Or even better, a runway. How galling would it be to high-jack a plane, and then come in and make a fucking text book landing.
Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.