Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who cannot.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

"[To a member of the audience] You look like my friend Debbie. That's really weird … do you get that a lot? [Pause] It's sad, though, 'cause you know, we're not really friends anymore. But, uh, it's not your fault. Seriously, it was 'cause she's, um … not born again Christian … oh! pathological liar."

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we’re arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It’s like, there’s a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I’m going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.