Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227
Now, this is the fun part about getting stoned. They get stoned, then they become paranoid. Now, when they started out, they said, "Let's get high and have fun." So they're high; now they're paranoid. "Am I falling out of this chair?"
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
But there's only so long that shit like that can hang around your apartment before you have to stick your dick in it.
I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'
I'm actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as "not at all attracted to me".
My dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!