Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1227

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

I’ve had more women than most people have noses.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

I'm competitive at everything.

You can't direct without a good crew.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'