Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

You might be a redneck if the best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re goin’ and hook up with them later.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

I like my coffee like I like my women...covered in beeees!

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

I have a dog, a lovely animal… I’m feeding him dog food that’s numbered. I’m not sure what it is, but they got it for everything. One for puppy, two for the middle dog, three for the gay dog, four for the whatever. On up. I’m looking at the can and it says on there “for the dog that suffers constipated.” The way I look at it, if you’re dog is constipated, why mess with a good thing.

I think the best thing to keep in a safe is a note that says “Nice try, asshole."

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!'

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

You can't direct without a good crew.

Regarding the marching band: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.