Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

But there's only so long that shit like that can hang around your apartment before you have to stick your dick in it.

Alien abductions. I don't believe in them because it's always the same circumstances, the same type of people, the same situations. It's never a black guy; it's never a Hispanic guy; it's never a physicist from the Netherlands - it's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."

I’m always looking for something new to say. That’s the problem with doing it for this long, thinking of what haven’t I beaten to death that I care about? You try to break yourself out of your comfort zone, because comfort is deadly for a comedian. There’s a reason why jokes start with “Don’t you hate it when…?” and not “Do you know what’s really great?”

Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.

Reality is a concept that depends largely upon where you point your face.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick. That would be convenient.