Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.
A beautiful woman chased me down the street yesterday. She shouted and screamed, tried to grab me, ripped my at my clothes and pulled my hair. After about five minutes, I said, "Okay, lady. Keep your handbag."
Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
I wish you'd say that to my face. Not because I'm offended, but because I'm lonely and could use the company.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function.
I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can't even smoke properly any more. I don't have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.
Skeet shooting is probably more satisfying if you really hate skeets.