Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1229

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.

Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.

The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!

A lot of people don't know it, but onions make me sad!

I love Cleveland. The weather just terrible there - too cold. All we want to know in Cleveland is where the hell’s all that global warming we’ve been hearing so much about. That’s all they ever do in the winter, stand outside with an aerosol can. >ssst<br />

You might be a redneck if you've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not.

We are $14.3 trillion in debt, but the good news is we’ve got 14.3 trillion airline miles.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.