Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1256
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
You know you’re too high when you’re eating cereal naked and your girlfriend is like “Put some clothes on” and you realize that it’s not your girlfriend. It’s just a woman on the bus.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'
[showing an empty circle] This is a pie chart about procrastination.