Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1256
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
The phone rings, and a voice on the other end says, “How would you like to be this years vodka man?” <br /> And I said, “No. I’m an artist, I do not do commercials. I don’t pander. I don’t drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product.” <br /> He said, “Too bad. It pays $50,000.” <br /> And I said “Hold on. I’ll put Mr. Allen on the phone.”
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
[about sex and being married] It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.
That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.