Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1256
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What are those?" "Those are orange... oranges." "And what are those?" "Ah, shit. Tall pointies? Are we going by shapes now?"
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
You know you’re too high when you’re eating cereal naked and your girlfriend is like “Put some clothes on” and you realize that it’s not your girlfriend. It’s just a woman on the bus.
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'