Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1255
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle, then you're fat.
The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.
If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.