Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1255

And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"

I tell you, in my house I can never relax. I got a dog. His favorite bone is in my arm.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

Go to bed in your fireplace, you'll sleep like a log.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

If someone took the ‘F’ letter off me, I’d be ucked.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

I'm not a drinker — my body will not tolerate spirits. I had two Martinis on New Year's Eve and I tried to hijack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."