Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1255
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
And even if you get shot by a stray bullet, you don't gotta go to no doctor to get it taken out, whoever shot you will take they bullet back! "I believe you have my property!"
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?
You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.”