Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 129
Hell yeah, I still wear zoot suits on stage!!! I don’t care that they went out of style in the 30s and that I went out of style in the 80s. Look at it like this: You know how Gallagher smashes watermelons and Larry the Cable Guy says ‘Get Er Done’ and Bill Hicks deconstructs society and enlightens people with the truth in a deeply hilarious way? Well, I wear horrendous looking outfits on stage. That’s my thing. And, dare I say, it’s worked out pretty damn well for me. Everybody in the world used to know who I was twenty five years ago. And that’s due in large part to the dalmatian neckties and the piano key neckties I would wear. Neck wear actually made me a legend! How many people can say that or would even want to say that? Not many. Tucker Carlson, maybe…
Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It'a a distorted mirror in the fun house. We watch society. As society behaves, then we have the ability to make fun of it.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.
You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.
I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank.
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
You know how Van Nuys got its name? Well, one day my little old Jewish mother was visiting me, and I took her to the top of the Hollywood Hills and had her view the valley below just at sunset. "Well, mama, what would you call that?" And she said, "Ver nize."
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.