Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 129
We are all a little bit racist. White people, y’all are the first people to denounce it. "I’m not racist. I’m incapable of being racist. My best friend is black... He’s also my chauffeur, but he’s my best friend."
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
I got the most expensive piece of paper on your wall that don't do shit. I'll tell you what I did with mine: I took it down, I shredded it, I stomped on it, and I shredded it to a nice, fine white powder and I snorted it like cocaine. I packaged the rest and sold it to some white girls.
What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.
If you want to have sex with strangers, you have to do it the old fashion way and become a prostitute.
I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.
Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank.
Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.
My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'
I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
Acceptance is going to a restaurant where the salad's not great, but the steak is fine.