Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 129
I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.
I think he has a hell of a chance on rain softened ground and he probably represents our best chance for a Festival victory.
You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.
Don't bring your sand toys to the park. That's another bad move. Because I go to the park, and I'm on the Vicodin and a little weed too - let's face it - and I go in there, and my wife's like, 'Bring the sand toys! Bring the sand toys!' And I know what happens every single time: I become sand toy repo man from the eight little kids that run off in nine different directions with my sand toys.
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
I was called "Rembrandt" Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'
If you are in here and you are gay and you are offended that I'm using the word faggot, I apologize and I'll suck your dick after the show.
I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.