Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 130
I got the most expensive piece of paper on your wall that don't do shit. I'll tell you what I did with mine: I took it down, I shredded it, I stomped on it, and I shredded it to a nice, fine white powder and I snorted it like cocaine. I packaged the rest and sold it to some white girls.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
Some of the shit marijuana does - we had no idea. Pot doesn't just kill the person who smokes it. It kills everyone within a mile around.
My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you'll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn't. I'm interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.
Yeah, I'd like to do some cocaine. I'd like to do a drug that makes my penis small, makes my nose bleed, makes my heart explode, and sucks all my money out of the bank.
Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.'
He's been on vacation for a year and month. Captain Kirk never left the helm when the Enterprise was under attack.
When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.
I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff.
I don't think my mom’s racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'