Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 130
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality.
I try not to represent just Asians. Instead, I try to expose our culture to everyone through humor & performance; Hoping that we will be a part of each other and more so a part of everything in a positive light
Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that.
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
My son comes out of his room wearing these flood pants with holes in both knees. I have no idea where he found these pants. And I go, 'Dude, you gotta change your pants. You can't wear those pants.' He goes, 'I like these pants, these are my favorite pants, I'm gonna wear them.' I didn't know what to say, I'm a young dad, so I go, 'You're gonna be embarrassed.' He looks at me, steps to me a little bit, and goes, 'I'm not gonna be embarrassed. They're your friends. You're gonna be embarrassed.' I was like, 'Son of a bitch.'
I don't think my mom’s racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.