Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 130
Florida looks like a gigantic penis! Doesn't it? Have you ever googled it? It looks like a gigantic peener! About to shoot a load of freedom all over Cuba. A bukkake of choices and ideas.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Oil is sixty dollars a barrel. There are terrorists everywhere. We have a catastrophe in our world every ten minutes. I don't know how anybody's getting through anything. Right now, people just need to be entertained.
I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, "Help! Help! Help!" so I said, "Help? Help? Help?" And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.
You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.
I have this dream life where I get to be a celebrity but I get to navigate the world fairly easily because I'm always in character.
If the immigration bill doesn't go through it is okay because we'll still go through.
If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.
I don't think my mom’s racist, but I think she's old fashioned, you know? And she doesn't know how to, like, talk about it with me. She's like, 'Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?'
I try not to represent just Asians. Instead, I try to expose our culture to everyone through humor & performance; Hoping that we will be a part of each other and more so a part of everything in a positive light
Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
Pope John Paul II’s press secretary, who said, "See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back!" Never got a dinner!
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.