Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 171
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
Without comedy as a defence mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive.
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like "We have to get rid of dictators", but he's pretty much one himself.
Beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the fucking bone.
The best part about being a stand-up is the connection with the audience. There's nothing more gratifying then when you can make 300 people applaud and stand up - because that's all you.
You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.
I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry."
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, "I've got one question: What color is the red phone?"