Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 171

The other kid we have she's a girl and she's four. And she's also a fuckin' asshole. It's true man, I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole, she's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'

Do you know what Bill Gates has to pull out of an old coat, to feel like I did with a $20 bill? First of all, the idea that Bill Gates has an old coat is preposterous. If he has an old coat, it's the coat Abe Lincoln was shot in and he wears it as a bathrobe - no underwear by the way. He lets his billionaire balls swing willy-nilly beneath the death cloak of the great emancipator. That's your 1%.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.

You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is 'film editor.' This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product.

Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.

New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.

What a nice night for an evening.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler.

We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.