Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 171
One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."
I find that at most theme parks, the theme is ‘Wait in Line, Fatty.’
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
The other kid we have she's a girl and she's four. And she's also a fuckin' asshole. It's true man, I'm serious. I say that with no remorse. Fucking asshole, she's a douchebag. She is! Fucking jerk.
I never played music, but it's an important thing... the studying, the inspiration.
I think women seem to handle celibacy better. Well, at least when you talk with them, they're very nonchalant about it: 'Oh, no, no, I haven't made love in about three or four months, and I really haven't missed it at all. I've been doing a lot of horseback riding.'
We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
When you think of the former high school football star, you think 6-foot-2, white, meathead as the model for that kind of character. Since I'm not 6-foot-2 or white, I just thought about what I could bring to it. I thought about Smash Williams from 'Friday Night Lights,' like the cocky quarterback, and played around with that.
With basketball, if a guy is having an off night you still can say he’s a good athlete. But with a comedian, you see them in front of the wrong audience - and they can look like complete amateurs. It’s remarkable.
Nobody ever had to tell you it's wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowin' that. Which means you born knowin' right and wrong so put the book down. Cause it will fuck you up.