Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 171
When you think of the former high school football star, you think 6-foot-2, white, meathead as the model for that kind of character. Since I'm not 6-foot-2 or white, I just thought about what I could bring to it. I thought about Smash Williams from 'Friday Night Lights,' like the cocky quarterback, and played around with that.
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.
They give you a hotel room; you have sex. What is it about a hotel room, the second you walk in, you start bumpin', makin' sandwiches? As soon as you get in the room - she walks in; the guy shuts the door, turns around with a crazy look in his eye: 'Close the drapes.'
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't "taper off." You've got to quit, cold jerky!
There are so many opportunities that I could've gotten before if I had just took a little more of a risk.
I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.
I remember they used to give us a speech in the 1950's. “Children, take these dog tags home, make sure the names and addresses are correct in case of a nuclear holocaust. And if there is a nuclear holocaust there'll be no talking during the holocaust!”
New York has always been a sense of eclectic kind of freedom and expression on a lot of different levels.
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'
Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.
My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. "Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him."
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
I think women seem to handle celibacy better. Well, at least when you talk with them, they're very nonchalant about it: 'Oh, no, no, I haven't made love in about three or four months, and I really haven't missed it at all. I've been doing a lot of horseback riding.'