Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 171
Why is there a Bible in the Courtroom? Isn't that why we're here in the first place? Somebody is lying.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
If you think the stock market has a fence around it, you might be a redneck.
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? Yeah! Hilarious ring tones? Oh gah! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. I''s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
I think women seem to handle celibacy better. Well, at least when you talk with them, they're very nonchalant about it: 'Oh, no, no, I haven't made love in about three or four months, and I really haven't missed it at all. I've been doing a lot of horseback riding.'
I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!"
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'
In the fifties I had dreams about touching a naked woman and she would turn to bronze or the dream about hot dogs chasing donuts through the Lincoln Tunnel.
I was a lifeguard once in the Catskills. Saved a little boy's life. He was a real brat, 9 or 10 years old. His idea of fun was playing catch with farina, tripping the bellhops. The staff couldn't stand him. Then one day against my orders he went to the deep end of the pool. I anticipated it and pulled him out. His parents tipped me $5. Now, what I can't figure out is how did they come up with the figure? How do you tip somebody who saved your son's life? What's the conversation like? The father says: “I don't know, we'll give him $15.” Wife says, “$15, we're not made of money.” “Well,” says the father, “how long have we had the boy? We'll give him $5.” I could have gotten $15 from the staff to let the kid drown!
Dean Martin’s great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, "I see the cotton, but where’s the gin?" Never got a dinner!
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.