Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 170

I practice safe sex - I use an airbag.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities... Shouldn't you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That's a very white attitude, don't you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he'd be like 'Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.'

The Left believes in cradle to the grave assistance, it’s just sometimes really tricky making it to the cradle.

We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!

Nobody ever had to tell you it's wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowin' that. Which means you born knowin' right and wrong so put the book down. Cause it will fuck you up.

We live in a three dimensional plane. Life is on the third planet from the sun not the second. Ain't nobody lying on a piece of paper looking at each other.

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, "I don't think he knows where he's going."

One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.

An aspiring comedian must be determined to get to his or her true feelings on a subject and convey that to the audience. Figure out what you’re feeling or interested in because the goal is to get the audience interested in what you’re interested in. Good stand up comedy is drawing people into your head.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.

When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.