Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 170
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I went into Claridge's for lunch the other day - all I ordered was a fruit salad and coffee, and I had to book another week at the Palladium.
If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?
No one smokes because they like the way it tastes. If we did, they'd make cigarette-flavored cookies, candy, ice cream. "What is this? Marlboro fudge with nuts? Give me a scoop of that, willya? She's gonna have the Menthol Swirl with the Camel chip."
If you think ‘loading the dishwasher’ means ‘getting your wife drunk’, you might be a redneck.
And if I die early the situation will be auto-erotic asphyxiation, I hate my life and it hates me back!
I think women seem to handle celibacy better. Well, at least when you talk with them, they're very nonchalant about it: 'Oh, no, no, I haven't made love in about three or four months, and I really haven't missed it at all. I've been doing a lot of horseback riding.'
One of my friends goes: "So, you know what really turns me on; when girls talk dirty in bed." Yeah I tried that with my wife. I said: "Hey, talk dirty to me." She said: "Go fuck yourself". Not that dirty.
That's the thing about jazz: it's free flowing, it comes from your soul.
It’s hard to know what’s gay in life. Boxing. That’s two men fighting over a belt.
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
You know you’re black motherfucka when you put fingerprints on charcoal.
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don’t realize this, he’s a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of years ago, A-Rod went to the hospital and promised a dying kid he’d ground out to second for him.