Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 172

Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Donald Trump celebrated a birthday last week, when asked how it feels to be 61, Trump said, "Rosie's a fat loser ... she's ugly on the inside".

Serbia? Isn’t that the place that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl’s twat?

You know, the energy I think I was just born with. I think I was just always like that as I kid; I was always real energetic.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.

I never played music, but it's an important thing... the studying, the inspiration.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.