Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 172
Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?
When my stepfather died, I just kind of fell apart. I felt pretty vulnerable, like there literally could be no tomorrow.
I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.
We’re a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn’t find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole.
When you think of the former high school football star, you think 6-foot-2, white, meathead as the model for that kind of character. Since I'm not 6-foot-2 or white, I just thought about what I could bring to it. I thought about Smash Williams from 'Friday Night Lights,' like the cocky quarterback, and played around with that.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
Nothing will rob you of what little testosterone you do have like crawling into a bed with a chihuahua. As a guy you could be wearing a Hello Kitty backpack, carrying dandelions and licking a penis-shaped lollipop and that, my friends, would be one third as gay as waking up in the morning to find you and a chihuahua are spooning.
Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
I like rock, paper, scissors - two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff - I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together - you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.'
I never played music, but it's an important thing... the studying, the inspiration.
You can’t be comfortable in whatever that societal group is – kindergarten, school, basketball, whatever. You have to have an outsider point of view.