Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 172
Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.
It is a big world that we live in, and people have a choice to love who they love.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Anybody who thinks there's not a vast right-wing conspiracy in this country must also think that Ken Starr should be our next ambassador to Luxembourg.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Health clubs aren't healthy. In New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country, people pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking psychotic!
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
The giant superstars are people whose talent is so enormous that their death wish can't destroy it.
If a director brings a guy to their movie who does improv, they've got to let him do what he does - otherwise it's like bringing Michael Jordan to your basketball team and telling him to just pass the ball and don't shoot.
As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.
Spelling is difficult because there are too many rules. Silent letters only exist to make it harder for illegal immigrants to learn English.