Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 172
You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.'
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils.
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
My wife at times will say I'm stubborn, selfish, insensitive, vague, deaf at times, blah, blah, blah... but she's never said I was boring!
The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!
This world is bullshit. And just because I appear in music video wherein I am in my underwear, and make young women feel not good enough so that they become anorxeic; and okay, maybe because of that I became popular more quickly than other singers who are, I don't know, maybe more talented or better songwriters. That doesn't matter because, and... um... my boyfriend is a magician, and he can pull a quarter out of your ear and say things like 'We have not met before have we?' Go with yourself.
I’ve been on a cruise ship that’s crashed. The captain comes on, “I want you to know that the ship is taking on a little water.” You mean we’re sinking. A guy bringing on a case of Evian, that’s taking on a little water.
Money comes and goes. I'm thankful I have money. I'm trying to save up more. I would like more money. But it's not happiness. If you're a millionaire and hate your family, hate your friends and your life, then what is the point? You're just a person with a lot of money and power who is not happy.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both... different. In spelling.
My son I worry about. I'm pretty sure he's gonna be gay. At this point I'm just hoping he's not a bottom. Sorry to sound closed-minded and uptight, but let's face it, no dad wants his son to be gay. Not only do you get no grandkids, but I'm sure high school is no picnic for a fifteen-year-old gay boy. On the other hand, maybe I'm just viewing this through the bifocals of an old heterosexual dude. The way things are going, my son will probably get his ass kicked for not being gay. "Carolla thinks he's too good to suck cock. Come on boys, lets get him."