Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 182

Ladies Commit, There’s A Wedding In It For You.

Last week, the city of Detroit filed for bankrupty, it became obvious that Detorit was in trouble when it offered to suck chicago’s dick.

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

Whenever she uses the phrase "I was thinking...," that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.

Dolly Parton, who said to Mrs. Olson, "Yes, they're mountain-grown." Never got a dinner!

Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.

And I come from a small Vietnamese family. We’re really close too, all ten of us.

I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.

There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.

I was just teasing in fun...

Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.