Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 182
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.
I was worried about the ground, and while I thought it was quicker than ideal, there was no jar.
You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.
Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
Consider the rose... The rose is the sweetest smelling flower of all, and it's the most beautiful because it's the most simple, right? But sometimes, you got to clip the rose. You got to cut the rose back, so something sweeter smelling and stronger, and even more beautiful, will grow in its place.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.