Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

I really, really love Hilary Clinton. I think she's very cool. She's out there and she's involved.

They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

If you're not happy before you're successful, you're going to be miserable when you do become successful because all your problems just get magnified.

We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you can pick one piece up and talk into it. I tell you, the whole time I had one of those old-fashioned plug-in phones, not once did I misplace it.

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn."

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.

My daughter genuinely asked me to hand her the basketball bat. I might be failing as a father.