Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually, at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.

I'm not a person who I ever thought would do well with divorce. Not that it can't happen. I just didn't want that. So I waited a long time to meet the right person. Then I finally met someone that I was willing to be divorced from.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.

I've always said my career is somewhere between children's programming and hard-core porn.

My dad only said two things to me around the house, you know, when I was there. Number one: 'Ok, Ok, USA.' And two: 'Good. Good, Dat Phan.' How do you carry a conversation on with that? Like, 'Dad, how are you doing?' 'Ok.' Like, 'Dad, the house is on fire.' 'Ok.'

Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.

My older brother was cool, so I was suddenly cool by association. And I totally dusted all my old math friends.

The God's honest truth is that I'm probably funnier, but he's smarter. Here's the thing about Stern - he's really a smart guy. He's nutty. He's outrageous. He's all those things, but he's also a very smart guy.

Everything's nerve-wracking; you really shouldn't be in show business if you can't stand situations that are nerve-wracking, and you just have to learn to push that aside or rip it off and graft it onto your positive, creative energy. I mean, c'mon, I've been in 40, 50 movies and a bunch of TV shows. Someone asked a few months ago how many auditions I took, and I said, "Boy, you got me. A lot, I guess. 700? 2,700? I don't know." And then I started thinking and realized, "Boy, I guess that's a lot." You know what, either get some hard bark on you, or find another line.

Actually, there's nothing I know for sure because I know for sure that things change.

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?

I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.