Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181
Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week.
How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."
Most drag impersonations are a drag. But everyone can like Geraldine. The secret of my success with Geraldine is that she's not a put-down of women. She's smart, she's trustful, she's loyal, she's sassy. Most drag impersonations are a drag. But women can like Geraldine, men can like Geraldine, everyone can like Geraldine.
Trickle-down economics - it didn't work. The whole idea was supply-side economics: give rich people a lot of money; they'll spend it, it'll go into the economy. Here's what we found out - rich people, really good at keeping all the money. That's how they got rich. If you want it in the economy, give it to the poor people. You know what they're really good at? Spending all their money.
I was asleep, in the upstairs bedroom, in the rear of the house. There was this tremendous crash, there was a terrible wind force hitting my body, and then I blanked out.
Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.
A black C student can't do shit with his life. A black C student can't be a manager at Burger King. Meanwhile, a white C student just happens to be the President of the United States.
It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'
I don't think the problem is telling people you're on a diet. The problem is eating ice cream for breakfast.
An aspiring comedian must be determined to get to his or her true feelings on a subject and convey that to the audience. Figure out what you’re feeling or interested in because the goal is to get the audience interested in what you’re interested in. Good stand up comedy is drawing people into your head.
One of my sisters wanted to be an opera singer. So, we spent a few dollars to try to train her, because Italian people would like to have an opera singer in the family. But she's got trouble coughing, let alone singing. One day, she was in the shower singing 'Madame Butterfly,' three days later the Japs attacked Pearl Harbor.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.