Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 181

I love the Spurs and their white guy basketball that they play. I absolutely love their fundamentally sound pick and roll, fucking kiss it off the glass, ‘I can’t jump either’ game that they play, it’s tremendous. There’s not a lotta white guys out there doing it, but when I watch the Spurs play, it looks like 5 white guys playing pick-up at the Y.

They were always very sweet girls. There was really no way to be cynical about them. That's why people always called it "The Michelle Show."

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give. You're fuckin' up tha rotation.

Another thing when I'm president? If you're in the army, the navy, any branch of the armed forces... you can fuck whoever you want!

India and Pakistan have nuclear weapons. How did they get nuclear weapons? Those are dirt poor countries. Their armies don't even have matching uniforms. They go to war, they've got to call each other up, 'Wear something tough looking.'

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

My father was a proctologist; my mother was an abstract artist. That's how I view the world.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.

I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...

It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I've done so much morning radio that I won't be overwhelmed by it, but it's still going to be a challenge.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.