Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
Ever see a skinny guy on a cold day? You know they tremble like Chihuahuas. Then you see a fat guy in a tank top - nine degrees, he's sweatin'. Look at 'Titanic,' remember the boat goes into the icy cold waters? Little skinny Leonardo: dead. Final scene, Kathy Bates on a rowboat, coat open, eating a hotdog.
I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal.
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, "Who could have done this? We have no enemies."
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.
We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.
If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.
They want families to come to New York and go to the theater, so the theater is all geared toward family entertainment. It's money, you know.
Most drag impersonations are a drag. But everyone can like Geraldine. The secret of my success with Geraldine is that she's not a put-down of women. She's smart, she's trustful, she's loyal, she's sassy. Most drag impersonations are a drag. But women can like Geraldine, men can like Geraldine, everyone can like Geraldine.
Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy.
Whenever she uses the phrase "I was thinking...," that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.