Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
I was asleep, in the upstairs bedroom, in the rear of the house. There was this tremendous crash, there was a terrible wind force hitting my body, and then I blanked out.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
As you get older you realize your parents don't look so dumb - and that you're not as smart as you thought you were.
What lazy SOB invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper 30 years ago - me.
Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
I went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
If you tell a lie that's big enough, and you tell it often enough, people will believe you're telling the truth, even if what you're saying is total crap.
I used to be an airplane mechanic until they started drug testing. That's when I knew it was time to let that one go. And people ask me about that; they're like, 'Is that true man? Did you really do drugs?' 'Yeah.' 'Why would you do drugs?' 'They work.'
Sometimes people change their minds, sometimes they meet someone else, sometimes they get sober, and sometimes he was just a jerk who you’re lucky to be rid of.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a couple yards away, until you realize it's a bunch of shit you don't need.
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.