Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
You can't smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic, when you consider the fact that you can't breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.
I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force.
If you ever want to go golfing, take Brad with you. He will make you look better. He came in dead last. There were 75 celebrities and pro athletes and he came in dead last.
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
I grew up in New York in a neighbourhood called Washington Heights. It's not really a ghetto, it's a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don't know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. "Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter."
'The Bernie Mac Show' is my life. It's the truth, and I'm not ashamed of a minute, an hour, or a second of my life.
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, "I'm coming into Reagan!"
We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
You’re thinking I’m homophobic; I hear it all the time. “Dave, you’re probably gay.” “What?” “Well, you talk about being gay so you probably are gay! You probably secretly want to have sex with another man!” And I say, “Listen, Voice In My Head…I do not.” “How do you know you wouldn’t like it? How do you know you wouldn’t love it?” I know I wouldn’t like it or love it, because one time…during a terrible gardening accident, I sat on a cucumber… 3 times. It happens. You never see it on ER, but it’s happening. Every 8 minutes out there, someone is sitting on a cucumber, or papaya if you live in Hawaii. We need programs. If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quick: a pair of ice tongs, and a friend that can keep a secret. Preferably your midget friend. ‘Cause nobody believes a midget until it’s too late. Cucumber up a man’s ass? Is that where the treasure is? Well then lead me, into your midget world!
We said to them to take all of the students who are troubled students and work with them. They're not bad. They're troubled because they don't have what you had and what I had growing up. It was tough, and it's still tough, but Jodi and her staff are making it work. These are the kids that would have been out on the street robbing and stealing.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.