Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183

If you're on Twitter, what you're saying is, 'I'm important enough for you to care what I think.'

Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

I was at my parents' house all day - because I live there.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.

I don't think it's any secret. We can't continue to do business as we're currently doing it.

I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.

To women, we are like big dogs that talk.

Who got the part? Chris Tucker? Shit! Who got the other part? Tell me man. Jackie Chan? That mother fucker can't even speak English!

Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.

The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.

I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, 'blasting zone ahead'. Wow... shouldn't that read: Road Closed. What do you mean there's a blasting zone, what am I supposed to do, 'Hey, ah, you might wanna buckle up, blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're... Oh! We're getting close! Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one - we lost Billy?

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.

Shooting clay pigeons, I think, yeah, go for that. Shooting clay, clay pigeons are fuckers! Come round your house, whiz through, "fwhooo, fwhooo, fwhooo!" They do nothing.. they don't even eat... flies!