Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
We're living in the time of AIDS. It's rough being skinny with that shit. Women be looking at you like, "I don't know. You awfully thin."
People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.
I think racists know at this point that they've probably got to keep their ideas to themselves unless they're at one of those Klan meetings. You know bunch of douchebags sitting around with a fucking comforter thrown over your face, just fucking getting all sweaty under there, your face breaking out. You know? Whats wrong with those people?
You can’t wait forever for an audience to get the joke, but you should give them at least two seconds to join in before you go on to the next one.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it’s the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
Do unto others as you would've them do unto you. Scientific prove that to be a fact for every action is the opposite as equal reaction. Don't fuck with me, and i won't fuck with you.
Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
You make due with the time you have here. Hopefully when you pass on, somebody can look back and say, 'Wow, they made a difference in some kind of way.'
I've been a character actor, which I define as "anyone in the movie who's not kissing Renee Zellweger.