Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 183
Well, I am not always joking, sometimes I am serious. But some people always expect you to be funny. If you were like you are on stage, you would be obnoxious. With the jokes and the putdowns, I would need to take a break... juggle something.
You make due with the time you have here. Hopefully when you pass on, somebody can look back and say, 'Wow, they made a difference in some kind of way.'
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Once in a while you get a moment of clarity - an inspiration - and they don't come that frequently.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
People need motivation to do anything. I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.
My father is a Jehovah's Witness, and he raised us under a very strict hand.
Whenever I don't feel so good, I always try to remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over, and they share the same asshole.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.