Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191
I had been vegan for about six months when I went to a taping of Ellen's show. She had heard that I was vegan and was inquiring about it. Lesbians are really known for being animal lovers. Gay women always have so many pets. Besides loving my dogs, I really see animals all on the same plane. And after reading a book like Skinny Bitch or seeing videos from inside a dairy farm or a slaughterhouse, it's really hard to turn back. Because we love animals so much, it's the next logical step.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I tell people that stand-up's like golf: you gotta do it every day to get it down - or at least three times a week to get it down.
I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants.
Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
My family is number one in my life. I'll blow off writing or just about anything to make sure I take my son to preschool or watch him at his swimming lesson.
I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?
I think Twitter is really great for those comics that are good with the one-liners. The thing about the Internet is that there are so many different things you can do, as a comic, to get yourself out there. It could be YouTube, it could be Twitter, it could be blogging. On the Internet, it's like I have my own little store. I have a bunch of YouTube videos up, and it's like, 'Check out these videos and if you like what I do, come check me out and if not... no harm, no foul.'
Had an unexplained burst of happiness today. Doctor said not to worry it will go away.
I've seen worse... It just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.
My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.