Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.
Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
Every time Joe Biden says something goofy, I just picture GWBush at home, watching TV saying: “That guy says some dumb stuff.”
When I was twelve, we went to Aberdeen. We went with a school. It was called fresh air fortnight. And it was a brilliant idea. The authorities of Glasgow took Glasgow school children to the countryside ostensibly into the clean air to make them rosy cheeked. To make them look like youth hostellers... Hello I'm a youth hosteller, I have the anorak and I look like an apple. And do you know what my philosophy is? A strangers just a friend I don't know yet. Hahaha... Fuck Off! Ohhh is that your attitude? So we went to Aberdeen and we lived in school rooms and in Dormitories with all those army beds and we masturbated our brains out for two weeks. That's where wanking got it's name, it's those army beds, that's the noise they make. Wank wank wank wank wank wank wank wank. You can travel the world over... You'll never find a bed that goes Mmmasturbate.... Mmmmmmasturbate. So in Scotland we have beds that go Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! Wank! And dogs that go Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Very sexy country.
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
My dad only said two things to me around the house, you know, when I was there. Number one: 'Ok, Ok, USA.' And two: 'Good. Good, Dat Phan.' How do you carry a conversation on with that? Like, 'Dad, how are you doing?' 'Ok.' Like, 'Dad, the house is on fire.' 'Ok.'
My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.
On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired.
Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.
You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Doing panel well is actually more important than doing a good stand-up spot because it’s when the audience observes you in a more “conversational” mode and decides if they like your personality – which is one of the real keys to popularity.