Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I fancy you!
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: "I have a cold." "I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore."
When I've gotten criticism, it's that it's too long, too soft, didn't hit the government hard enough. Then when I do hit the government, they go, "What's he doing hitting the government?"
If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.
The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result he was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day. When he got home that night, his wife asked why he looked so grouchy. "I took the company's aptitude test this morning." "What did it show?" asked the wife. "It showed," boomed the executive, "that such tests are idiotic. That's what it showed."
Oreo, have you been reading my diary? Because this has been a fantasy of mine for some time.
My buddies, we've always just tried to make each other laugh. I mean, just like all friends hanging out - that's the goal.
I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good.
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don’t up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don’t put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!
I love that red wine is good for you. Isn't that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, "Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have."
You should have a value system. You can win if you stick with your value system.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?