Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 191
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.
The reason we are together is because she puts lead in my shoes and doesn't let me fly off the earth. And it's always been that way.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, "Dune buggies. Woohoo!"
My dad only said two things to me around the house, you know, when I was there. Number one: 'Ok, Ok, USA.' And two: 'Good. Good, Dat Phan.' How do you carry a conversation on with that? Like, 'Dad, how are you doing?' 'Ok.' Like, 'Dad, the house is on fire.' 'Ok.'
What a curse it must be being a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet?!
Why is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?
Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.
You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I think Chappelle set the bar when he came out with his show. To be as great as him or greater you have to push it a little further - as long as there's substance in terms of the material.
Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country?
Stand up straight. If you stand up straight, you will instantly feel better about yourself, and you will project a better image to the world, one that says you don't feel like you have to be hunched over and closed off.