Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 192
You might be a redneck if... you bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'
When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.
The only people who like to live alone more than comics are priests.
It is a big world that we live in, and people have a choice to love who they love.
The other day I drove home filled with pride and a sense of achievement. I entered the house, and there was my mother. "Mama," I said proudly, "I have a new Corvette outside." Mama looked at me, shook her head and said sadly: "Please, Joey. Don't bring her in."