Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 190
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
On a night like this, I like to punish my schlong like I caught it breaking into my house.
The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
I describe myself to people as a "history buff." It just sounds better than "Holocaust buff."
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell "Yippee! Snow!" and run up to the front door and shout "You know the deal... You have to let me in now."
I think all the knowledge and all the travels that I've done, I'm going to do a lot of great work in the future.
Some people say, “Ya, I don’t have to drink to have a good time.” Okay ya, but that means you have to have a good time to have a good time.
I understand that smoking is vaguely inappropriate in certain situations. You know, like an orphanage, cancer ward, whatever.
New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.