Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 190
My brother is a tax guy, and the way I look at it, it’s like he’s spending his life saving money for rich people. So I think making strangers laugh, at least having a creative component to your profession, is more manageable for me. I can live with that a lot easier.
They always want head. We love it. We always have to watch, right? Right, if you have a lot of hair we fucking turn into Vidal Sassoon all of a sudden. We got like scrunchies and banana clips coming out of nowhere. Hairspray. "Good. Good. Good." Front row seats. "I like that with the lips, the thing you're doing with the lips is good."
The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.
They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?
The other day I drove home filled with pride and a sense of achievement. I entered the house, and there was my mother. "Mama," I said proudly, "I have a new Corvette outside." Mama looked at me, shook her head and said sadly: "Please, Joey. Don't bring her in."
You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!
White people think they can just do what the fuck they want to do all the time!
A cool tattoo design is any drawing that would also look good saggy.
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people's heads.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.
Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.