Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 190
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
It is a big world that we live in, and people have a choice to love who they love.
They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!
I can't floss my teeth. People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it's about as hard as it is to start flossing.
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.
What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.
When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship - first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you've stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.
My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they're competitive with illness: "I have a cold." "I wish I had a cold! I don't even have sinuses anymore."
I want to be a little more dramatic nowadays. I definitely want something big and funny, but I look for things that can just have people see me in a different light and let me mature as both an entertainer and an actor and a comedian.
Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a couple yards away, until you realize it's a bunch of shit you don't need.
The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?