Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 190
I'm a gentleman and I was always taught it's rude, to talk about a woman's age or weight unless you are breaking up with her.
"If you got it, flaunt it" may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.
I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
I don't know what it's like in the U.S. but immigrants in the U.K. do the jobs the citizens won't do.
Doing panel well is actually more important than doing a good stand-up spot because it’s when the audience observes you in a more “conversational” mode and decides if they like your personality – which is one of the real keys to popularity.
For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.
On a personal note, I'm a comedian who makes fun of what I believe to be the absurdities of our government. Make my life difficult. Make this next four years really shitty for me, so that every morning all we can do is come in and go, 'Madonna is doing some Kaballah thing, you wanna do that?' I'd like that. I'm tired.
I'm not even 1000% sure that polar bears exist. How do you know? Why, 'cause Coca-Cola puts them on their can during Christmas? They also put Santa Claus, what's your fucking point?
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?
If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.