Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to their kids, I'm weird. What kind of one way street is that?
Why do you believe it and what's your motivation for believing in it? I don't even believe in the shit I say for a full 24 hours. I would love to have a consistent viewpoint of my own. It would be nice to have that solid, stiff head that said, 'Well, I'm a Democrat and that's because I believe, and my parents believe, that we should have some kind of social safety net.' They don't ever look at the flaws: you get her pregnant, you marry her. That's just what you do. I'd love to have that shallow, unquestioned belief.
I must end it. There is no hope. I will be at peace. No one had anything to do with it. My decision totally.