Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
No human ever became interesting by not failing. The more you fail and recover and improve, the better you are as a person. Ever meet someone who’s always had everything work out for them with zero struggle? They usually have the depth of a puddle. Or they don’t exist.
The rebel army in Libya is just like 1,000 guys in Toyota trucks. The world is asking the question; can 1000 anti-government guys in pick-up trucks with small arms, take over a country of millions? To which I say, ask the Teabaggers.
They had a sign up: the lobsters were flown in. How cruel is that? Think about that - let's say you're a lobster, you've never been on an airplane before - what else can you think, but you've won the lobster sweepstakes?
Your relationship with an agent has got to be mutually beneficial. If you can't help their careers, then they're not going to be interested.
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. Ken Titus taped a hotel key to his underwear to score with an airport security guard.
The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.
The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.