Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
They’ve come to kill us! And take our women! And our precious metals!
The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.
I had a great childhood growing up even though we was crazy poor. We was like P O. We couldn't afford O R. That's how Po we were… I remember nights we didn't eat. We had sleep for dinner.
I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?
I don't hate anyone. I simply block them out using hellish visions in a blind white rage. But if I see them out I'm pleasant.
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
Save yer breath! That's just another long list of lies perpetrated by The Man to keep a brutha down!
Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.
Man, I’m having a good time man, I found out something recently, I wanna share with you all. Do you know if you have a new baby, you can’t bring your own baby home unless you have a car seat, do you know that? It is a law that you need a car seat to bring your baby home. Question is, how we get home? There were no car seat when I was a baby. I’m going to tell you that right now, my momma would drive with the baby, smoking Newport, hitting the brakes, oh, there go the baby. Oh my baby, I know, it made me mess up my cigarette, this is crazy.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.