Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.
I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
There’s so many board games with so many different titles, but I feel like they could all have the same title: ‘Which One Of My Friends Is A Competitive Prick?’
Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about her! It's all about her!
Poverty. Racism. Isn’t it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
We cannot attain the presence of God. We're already totally in the presence of Fod. What's missing is awareness.
The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.