Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 223

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?

I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...

I'm not making this up - he goes 'Now if your neighbor marries a box turtle, that doesn't affect your everyday life. But that doesn't mean it's right.' I think it's pretty safe to assume that, at one point or another, Senator John Cornyn has thought about making love to a box turtle. I'm sorry, but that's not the first animal you jump to when you're writing that analogy.

Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

It's only a joke and the duck didn't really die, and you conservationists are probably all pure vegetarians and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're worried...I hope a butterfly flies up your nose you choke to death!

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.

Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

Teachers have a chance to mold someone, inspire them. I hope all teachers realize that.

When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?

The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.

A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”