Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I say, when you tell the truth, you never offend nobody, particularly if you do it with dignity.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass... but you just pushed my jackass button.
And for my family, comedically, that was the key to a lot of the humor.
I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say ‘Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.’
Thanks to our brave allies: you gallant Russian bear, you British everywhere.
We all want something else other than what we have and don't realize what you got works. It works. It does work. You gotta work. Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
My theory is, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I tried to capitalized on the values that made the show work. I have to be nice to my guests at the hotel, as I had to do with my patients, even when they're bugging me. And the home-life part seemed to work. I don't want ever to ride the show into the ground. It has been good to me.
My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person - so I can get a better girlfriend.
We’ve got 4 dogs, 2 of them are wiener dogs, those are her dogs. And they’re cute until they have to go to the vet, and then it’s like a billion dollars. I took them to the vet and our idiot vet goes, “That dog’s gonna have back problems right there.” No kidding! It’s got an 8-foot back and 2-inch legs! I could have figured that one out! Here’s another one, Doc Obvious. That right there’s a boy dog and he’s 1/4 inch away from dragging his transmission on the sidewalk!