Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

I love when they show the really gay prisoner in prison shows. He's the cutest inside but you know on the street he would be the ugliest.

What I'm saying might be profane, but it's also profound.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Nor did anyone censor any of my book. It is the most creative freedom you can have, in this, the 21st century, I can assure you.

Stand-up is live, so I'm used to being live for most of my career. It's interesting.

My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays.

And if you are a man wearing capri pants...? You need to take your guy card out of your wallet and pass it forward. Then... yeah, then, on the way home I want you to buy a tube of Vagasil, a VW convertible, and have your boyfriend drive you the rest of the way home, 'cause you are dismissed.

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Kids will spend $500 on sneakers but won`t spend $200 on "Hooked-on-Phonics".

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

It's later than it's ever been.

Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had.