Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224
My grandmother was born in 1900, and she would regale me with tales I call 'Little House on the Prairie' tales, but they were tales of segregated and racist America growing up in Alabama and Mississippi, where she came from.
College is great. It’s the only time in life where you can write a check for 39 cents... and bounce it.
I know I'll never have a weight problem, you know why? First morning I wake up and can't see my dick? I stop eating!
They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.
My girlfriend likes to play doctor. So I always make her wait 90 minutes before I see her.
Now it’s time for amasians... That’s Asians doing something amazing.
The people of Cleveland hate soccer. But it's my favourite thing and I follow the U.S. men's national team around when they play whenever I can.
My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
I could not be a fireman. If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit. I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everyone else. And the woman next to me would be like, "Please, my son, he’s screaming in there!" I’d be like, "Well, he’s probably on fire."
I don't have techno-fear, I have techno-joy! I love technology! I love to get a new machine. Every time I get a new machine, I think, "This is the one! I won't have to work again; I've got this thing!" And if you have techno-joy, you get the instructions, you unwrap it, and you throw the instructions out the window! Forget them! Fuck 'em! On. I must know how this works, I've used machines before!
So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.