Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 224
When I thought I was retired, I wanted to travel around the world and watch soccer games.
From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be bald like me.
Vietnam, we take over by doing pedicure! That's how we take over. We take over one foot at a time, damn it - that's the plan of attack right there. We take over from the toe up, that's the plan. We spread over USA like fungus from the toe.
I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just… old.
As the fly said while landing on the mirrored coffee table. Well... That's another way of looking at it.
Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors; eat the whole bag and see God one time in your life.
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
When I talk to Steve Martin, he's joyful when he talks about comedy.
I put a basketball in front of George Clooney's door and sprayed it with supermodel perfume to lure him out.
I really think it's crazy that we hit our kids. It really is. Here's the crazy part about it. Kids are the only people in the world that you're allowed to hit. Do you realize that? They're the most vulnerable and they're the most destroyed by being hit, but it's totally OK to hit them. And they're the only ones! If you hit a dog, they fucking will put you in jail for that shit.
Lactose intolerant milk? Kiss my dick! If you're lactose intolerant you can't drink milk. So what's in the fucking carton? Get it out of there, get it away from my milk. It is talking to my milk and making it feel bad about itself.
A kiss is not a contract, but its very nice. Just because you've been exploring my mouth doesn't mean you get to take an expedition for the south.
On the weekends, I would go down and play these clubs in Key West or West Palm Beach or surrounding areas of Florida and then I'd go back to school for the week.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.