Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, that's not what I said!"
When I was a boy, we had forty five statues of saints in my house. Ever have ninety eyes looking at you every time you have to go to the bathroom?
Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!
A timid gray-haired lady boarded a Philadelphia local at Trenton and asked the conductor, “Does this train stop at the Broad Street terminal?” “If it doesn't lady,” he assured her, “you're going to see one heck of a crush!”
Let me tell you something ass-eyes, let me tell you all something: war has made me very paranoid! and when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to kill!
You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, "I could never love anyone who ate a diaper."
So it took me five years because in the interim I have been doing a lot of personal appearances and movies and some television series that went into the plumbing and I stopped writing for a while.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.
When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.
I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.