Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
Bombing teaches you how badly you want to become a comedian. Because unless it’s a burning desire, you’ll quit when the consistent bombing becomes too much to take.
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
There is a chalk outline being drawn around common sense, and most people cannot even identify the victim.
I was brought up in a whorehouse in Peoria. My mother and father lived there and worked there.
The thing is, I hate political comedy. I personally loathe it.
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
If I don’t die in a plane crash or something, this country has a rare opportunity to watch a great talent grow.
This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.