Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222

It's kind of funny how that happened. When I was a child, I had a dream of one day becoming very influential and being in the entertainment world. I really wanted badly for that to happen, and in the last couple of years, my manager told me I was nominated for the group of the Most Influential Vietnamese-American Individuals in the world, along with generals and ambassadors and surgeons. It's an honor. It's mind-boggling. I'm a college dropout; I'm a high school failure, someone who came from a homeless background, but I understand the American pop culture and doing comedy from my heart led me to be in the Smithsonian Institute in Washington, D.C.

I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level.

My father contracted polio on a troop train in Korea.

Taking a leak on a tree in the great wilderness of Alaska should not be a "who farted?" situation.

I know when the anthrax thing hit - white people, y'all was very nervous. Y'all would come up to me at work and warn me, like 'Oh my God, Aries, be careful. Don't open your mail.' Let me tell you something - black folks was never worried about anthrax because, half the time, we don't open our mail no way. We might think that's a bill. We might hold it to the light and go, 'That's a red slip.' If you want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD. That's how you get us.

Stand up straight. If you stand up straight, you will instantly feel better about yourself, and you will project a better image to the world, one that says you don't feel like you have to be hunched over and closed off.

I don't take things so personally in this business anymore.

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

I have been in kind of a sexual dry spell lately. In the past few years I’ve only had sex in months that end in "arch"... in years that have an Olympics.

It is some beautiful women in Atlanta. Well, let me tell you, I don’t, I don’t know what ya’ll doing in the water, oh, you women down here are so fine, you can look at a woman with your girl, she would be like, yeah, you’re right, go ahead. She is gorgeous, do it, that’s it, that’s all you get.

Watching news showing all the same sex marriages. How long before first same sex divorce?

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that.

Oh, that's very profound, 'Insight Man'.