Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222
How do you find what's going to make everybody have this strange reaction in their bodies, this response that's sort of chemical and physical all at once - this noise and emotion that changes how you sit? A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it's really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it's great.
I don't say, "Bless you." I say, "God bless you," because I'm not the Lord.
The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.
In the original script, my character was a basketball player rather than a boxer. I didn’t think I could pull that off. I’m a little short to be a basketball player!
When Mrs. Clinton ran for office, she promised economic growth across New York state, to bring in more than 200,000 jobs, ... She has not. We have lost jobs to outsourcing and globalization and to sending our jobs and industries to foreign countries.
I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.
The `50s were terrifying with nuclear bomb stuff but boring in a social way and then the `60s were happening, and remember, there was no AIDS.
I like the humor to come out of character. When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.
My Obama is getting pretty good ... I think I'll vote for whoever makes my portrayal easier. It takes time to put together a comic impression. It takes time to recognize the tics. Right now, for instance, I could do a dead- on Paul Ryan and people wouldn't recognize it. Personalities take a while to sin...