Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 222
I'm not saying looting is good, ... But I'm saying surely at a time when your child needs diapers and you need food, when does looting stop...
The Steve Allen Sunday night show had the right to two options after my first performance.
I went whale watching once. It was very similar to watching people on a boat become disappointed.
When did they start designing toothbrushes to look like basketball sneakers? Can I just brush my teeth and not be "extreme"?
Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.
Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?
If I'm a game show host, will someone buy a ticket to see me do standup? To do a dramatic role in a movie?
Ya back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid, well that and fagot.
Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!
Twitter does have an effect on everything - things you put out there, they are out there for good.
You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.
The world's gone crazy. You got people mad that we got a black president, but he's half white. We claimed our half; y'all get yours. There's some for everybody. He's got some for everybody.