Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285

I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world... That's me... But to my wife...

Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.

I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.

How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.