Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn't love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.

There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?

I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

I almost got fired for watching internet porn at work. Instead I got fired for masturbating.

Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.

All television is an advertisement - that’s why it exists. It wasn’t the art-form first and then the commerce - it was that they could put on entertainment long enough to distract people into looking at products. It’s for focusing people on advertising and separating you from money in some way. Some people forget that. The side product is that we get some great eye candy. TV is the best it has ever been right now. I don’t have a problem with that since it’s what keep us employed.

I was staying at a hotel and I asked for a wake up call… the next morning the phone rang and someone said “What are you doing with your life?” I’m up!

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

There's nothing worse than being an aging young person.

You have to break in half to love somebody.