Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285

I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.

Since the Icelandic volcano obviously needs a virgin sacrifice and the Catholic Church obviously needs new leadership the Pope must volunteer to jump in the volcano. Pontiff, don't think of it as endorsing paganism, think of it as supersizing Ash Wednesday.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

New York is a funny place. I was at the coffee shop last week, and I'm paying the cashier for my cup of coffee, and the other girl got sprayed by the espresso machine with the hot milk. And her shirt was burning her, and so she just ripped it off. But she forgot she has no bra on, and so she just ran in the back. And the cashier looks at me and goes, 'That'll be an extra two bucks.'

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

I saw this homeless guy and this homeless girl, and they were making out! At one point, this guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas tree is still up in February.

Baby, were your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special...