Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.

You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?

I don't fail. I succeed at finding what doesn't work.

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.

Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.

I was at a disco a few nights ago. I was tearing up the dance floor. I had a nail in my shoe.