Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 285
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, "Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy?" But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off.
We're the geniuses of the house because only a person intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
By now you’ve heard the constant right wing attacks on the elite media and the liberal elite, who may or may not be part of Washington elite, a subset of the East Coast elite, which is overtly influenced by the Hollywood elite. So, basically, unless you’re a shit-kicker from Kansas, you’re with the terrorists.
I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
I know what it's like to have a family and not have insurance and really need it. As a comic, insurance was one of those sacrifices I made early on until I could afford it.
Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.
'I before E except after C?' Americans don't want to learn that! They just sort of make an 'I' looking 'E' and an 'E' looking 'I' then put the dot, right there in the middle!
We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.
I ain't shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war's over, I'll be the faggot with two legs.
Most people think white people can't dance. Truth is, white people be too fucked up to dance.
Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.