Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286
It means everything. You don't want to go through your four years of high school with a certain team beating you four years in a row. You always want to show them you can come out on top in the end.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!
There's a lot of dudes in my neighborhood that have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache but don't try to have a conversation with me like you don't have a handlebar mustache.
The pleasure of the mulch pile is incomprehensible. I wouldn't care if they just hauled the mulch to the landfill somewhere. Obviously, grass clippings are biodegradable, but when they're bunched together at the landfill, they become badly influenced by other garbage.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry.
I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.
When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.