Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough.
If you ask your congressman why, he'll say Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie. You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!
I’m actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I’m in the Special Olympics or something.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
"Some people just join the military because they need college money." Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
Several states are now looking into the possibility of taxing marijuana as a source of revenue. That is so typical of the government, isn't it? Trying to squeeze blood from a stoner.
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.
A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.'
So finally, on about the fifteenth tee, I hit the drive of my life. And any of you people who play golf, you know the drive I'm talking about. The minute you hit it, you just drop your club. You hang on to the beer, let's don't get stupid. And I watch this ball just go and go and kind of hit this guy in the head. And I felt bad, but he overreacted, I thought. I mean, it wasn't like a square hit; it just kind of glanced off his head. But he goes whippin' his car off the freeway, like "here we go!" Mr. Attitude! So now, he's barreling down the fairway screaming at the top of his lungs, like "what are you, some kind of cruddy golfer?" I'm like, "hey, I hit you, didn't I? You were traveling sixty-five miles an hour. That's a pretty good shot in my book."
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'
See I don't drink, I smoke. I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing to their lights thinking I'd made it to another club. Hey what is this, a leather bar? Hey I'm not into this, you faggots, oh SHIT!