Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286
I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow. Low fuel, balls are empty.
I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.
King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.
'I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.
Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say 'their life' I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.
Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.