Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286

I grew up in a poor family. I had to cut everyone's hair, because we didn't have money for entertainment.

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."

I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.

Sometimes, like we all do, I look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I cry. Like a really hard cry like you just watch yourself cry but then you're done and you're just glowing and you're staring at yourself.

Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there’s a ton of it left over. And the candy corn company sends the guys to the villages and they collect out of the dumpsters all the candy corn we’ve thrown away. They wash it! They wash it! I’ll never forget the first time my mother gave me candy corn. She said, “Here Lewis! This is corn that tastes like candy!” (eats it) “This tastes like crap”’ And every year since then, Halloween is returned and I, like an Alzheimer’s patient, find myself in a room, and the room has a table in it, and on the table, is a bowl of candy corn. And I look at it, as if I’ve never seen it before. “Candy corn,” I think. “Corn that tastes like candy. I can’t wait.” (eats it) “SON OF A BITCH!”

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, "make a death-wish and blow out the candles."