Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286

Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto as gay lovers or just good friends. The commercial shows Popeye and Bluto at the beach and riding a bicycle for two. I don't think that makes them gay. I think the fact they both find Olive Oyl attractive, that makes them gay.

If you masturbated with your left hand, would it be like being touched by a retarded person?

I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.

There's a lot more hypocrisy than before. Racism has gone back underground.

You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?'

I never would have thought being high in a zoo would lead to that.

I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

I used to be a folk singer, but er I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.

You know that dumb song 'More money, more problems'? Yeah, because you're goin' down to the fuckin' titty bar with money hangin' out of your pocket, dumpin' Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles. More titty bars, more problems... is really what it is.

All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?

We never went to Toys 'R' Us, we always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids - Home Depot.

I know I’m not sexy. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Masturbate".

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.