Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286
People would like to place a standard on our show that doesn't exist. We're not set up for reporting; we don't have an apparatus for that. We're discussing things that hopefully people might get something out of, but it's wildly inconsistent. Just because we hit on points that resonate, or people think are real complaints - that doesn't make us journalists.
Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.
Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"
I thought that was funny, but nobody else did. I was mostly entertaining myself, though. My parents both had a great sense of humor, and always laughed a lot. One night, when they were watching Candid Camera, I finally understood what comedy was all about. I heard the laughter on television, I turned around and saw my parents laughing, and that's when I thought: 'This is great. This is what I can do. I'm gonna prank somebody.'
Now let me get this straight. Bush is anti-abortion, but pro-death penalty. I guess it's all in the timing, huh?
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
Some things are the same wherever you go, like if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
I would knock at the door, and I'd be like, 'Dad, are you OK?' And he was so high, he couldn't respond with anything that had to do with the question. You literally heard him in there go, 'I'm in the garage.'
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.
Pedestrian's rights - because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms.