Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 286

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Never seen my friends do more push-ups, trying to challenge Cruises' manhood. It was like, "I can be strong, too!"

Get a toilet.. when you flush it says "Thanks for shitting me.. I enjoyed your shit"

You know that dumb song 'More money, more problems'? Yeah, because you're goin' down to the fuckin' titty bar with money hangin' out of your pocket, dumpin' Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles. More titty bars, more problems... is really what it is.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

I bet in Trinidad a guy is taking a shower and writing a fucking song. "oh gosh, i gotta wash my ass. *in a sing song tone* i gotta wash my ass..wash my ass, right cheek, left cheek, in the crease, in the crease, in the crease"

Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political - which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

May your dreams be sweet and your nightmares be spooky-monster-scary and not grandma-died-scary.