Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

King was really telling us it's not about love, it's about being lovable. 'I love you baby and if I can't have you no one else will is frightening,' but once you become lovable we become safe and that's where I think we'll end up.

Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.

I usually travel with a posse. I roll deep. I travel like a rapper, but without the artillery. We don't carry guns, we carry cookies.

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.'

I’m not fat. It’s just my awesomeness swelling up inside of me.

Lamont, when I die, it's not gonna be "Sanford and Son" no more; it's gonna be Nobody and Son.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

You might be a redneck if you’ve ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate."