Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284
My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere and it didn’t. I wasn’t even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn’t good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what’s good in our lives, we will be all right.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.
You might be a redneck if your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
How do you pledge allegiance to a government? That’s all America is: a government. There’s no such thing as ‘we’re Americans.’ That’s just trivial bullshit to get you rooting for the home team. You’re not an American. You’re a guy, you’re a person, you’re an individual.
At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker"? You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here[points to head], but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's.
[On marketing and commercials] HENDERSON VALLEY EGGS! You're gonna love our eggs!!!... [cut to small granny in rockin chair] I like eggs the old fashioned way. [return to youth] "Fuck you granny!" [punch mimic]
Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.