Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284
I spent the first twenty years of my life waiting for two men I was reasonably certain would never come back - my daddy and Jesus Christ. I don't wait for them anymore. My dad, anyway. And at least with Jesus I didn't spend all that time thinking he was gone because of something I did.
I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'
Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’
I used to be a folk singer, but er I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.
I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs.
But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"
Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.