Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I keep it very family-friendly. Every now and then I’ll slip a little bit, but that’s just the way I perform.

Sometimes It feels like the world is just being mean, like when it’s windy out. I’ll just be walking down the street and it’s like the world saying to me "Hey, you like air? Yeah? Yeah? You need that to breathe? Here’s some fucking air right in your face, there you go. Breathe up, stupid."

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.

I was in the ROTC program. I remember once I was walking through campus and my instructor grabs me, and he’s a real big guy, and yells, “It’s been six weeks since I’ve seen you in camouflage class!” I said, “I’m getting good.”

But it’s like guys are thinking, "I don't want to fuck her, what is she doing on my television?"

I did all those other jobs very poorly and half-heartedly really just to pay the bills while I went after this comedy dream.

Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

I'm a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

Junk runs in the family. My granddad was a junk man in St. Louis and so was my uncle.

I've never been one of those who wanted to fill my calendar up 90 percent of the time.