Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284
We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
I think there are still words you can't use in family entertainment that you can use in a sitcom today.
Listening to your tape, I was reminded of this poem. It has the central question: Is it harder to count on someone or to know that you're being the one counted upon? Anyway, there's this part that goes: if equal affection cannot be, then let the more loving one be me. Have you ever read that one? It's one of my favorites.
Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
The thing about kids is that they express emotion. They don’t hold back. If they want to cry, they cry, and if they are in a good mood, they’re in a good mood.
Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.
Y'know, God experimented with the other animals before he got around to us. You ladies oughtta thank him for creating the cow, and getting that udder idea out of his head!
I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.
Sex is great, but when you get to be my age, you've got to pace it a little bit. Otherwise you get tired.