Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 284

I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you’ll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say 'their life' I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.

I don't know who you niggas are talking about "let's go back to Africa." But after seeing Hotel Rwanda and Blood Diamond, you can sell my ticket! I'm staying right here. I'll take my chances with the Klan. I can outrun a fat redneck, but I can't outrun no Tutu.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!

Those early days of comedy are when you get addicted to it.

All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

Music played a large role in the survival of the black people in America - that and a sense of humor that just couldn't be enslaved.

I thought that was funny, but nobody else did. I was mostly entertaining myself, though. My parents both had a great sense of humor, and always laughed a lot. One night, when they were watching Candid Camera, I finally understood what comedy was all about. I heard the laughter on television, I turned around and saw my parents laughing, and that's when I thought: 'This is great. This is what I can do. I'm gonna prank somebody.'

My kids started looking me up online. I'd see these routines where they weren't filthy, but I was cursing. And I realized, 'Aw, man, I can't let my kids watch this. That's stupid. Why am I cursing so much? Who am I trying to appeal to?'

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.