Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 321
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.
No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.
I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.
If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.
Everybody needs a prenuptial agreement. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup. Oh no! You got 20 million and your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make 30,000… and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her.
They had a sign, and it said, 'Do not allow your dog to chase, injury or worry wildlife.' I understand the chasing and injuring part, but how is a dog going to 'worry' wildlife? Dog's going to run up to a bird: 'Hey, I think you've got something on your beak. It could be a tumor.'
Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a dinner!
I believe that the phrase “time in a bottle” refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.