Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 320
California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"
It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.
I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.
I’m 42 and the age of a guy who has kids, so I guess I’m playing right where I’m supposed to be. I’m comfortable with that, but in the same breath I’d do something edgy. If someone came to me and offered me an edgy and funny story, then I’d do it.
Well, that's exactly the wrong attitude. That is not the attitude they had in World War II. Your attitude is that freedom means you can do whatever you want whenever you want it, and that sacrifice is somehow un-American. But the idea that we should also be defensive about our flaws and weaknesses and our vulnerabilities is ridiculous.
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.
I have children. I have a family to support. But I really could live in a one-room apartment, as long as the television worked. I never needed anything. Just a comfortable chair and I'm fine.
Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart."
Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.
Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.
You like cheese without the corners, in other words you’ll never be a slice bitch!
The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.