Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 320

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

For those of you who don't speak French, by the way, all of that was fucking funny.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!