Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 320
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'
America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent... We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.
I was never brave before. I always tried to make it work. Now I have nothing to lose except some cash, and it's just not that important to me. I've never been allowed up until now to remain who I am, or true to what my life is like.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.
A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."
The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.
You know what bugs me? When a woman is expecting and her bonehead husband runs around going, "We're pregnant!" We're pregnant. Yeah, and my balls itch pal.
I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.