Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 320

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

You know what hilarious means? Hilarious means so funny that you almost went insane when you heard that shi... its so funny that is almost ruined your life. You're homeless now because you can't cope or reason anymore. Because that hilarious thing just shattered your mind and three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair and you're drenched in pee in the gutter. That's how funny hilarious is.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a dinner!

People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.

Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.

C'mon baby, lose the bra.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

I was wracked with insecurity.