Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 322
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
The other thing is that I’m a pretty moody guy, but no one really wants to see a normal-looking guy complain about things or talk about being unhappy. That’s hard. Most people are like, ‘Well, you have all your hair and you’re tall, so why are you unhappy?’ That can be limiting.
I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.
I'm two decisions away from putting up drywall for a living. I am, and there's nothing wrong with that, but whatever I got, it's through the grace of God, and I've got to use it right.
I drink too much. Have you ever done that where you wake up and there’s someone in your bed and they’re a munter. Pulling back that sheet, it’s like Silent Witness ain’t it.
I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment.'
Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.
Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning.
Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911? Aaaalrighty then.
I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate.
Gay pride's beautiful. If somebody needs to be expressing that, then it's a positive thing.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.