Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 322

C'mon baby, lose the bra.

I see that they put every black man in the movies in a dress at some point in his career.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.

I was wracked with insecurity.

Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!

I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.

You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing.

Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.

Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.

If I know your sexuality within the first thirty-seconds of meeting you, you're fucking annoying.

I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. There's that story about how Eric Clapton saw Jimi Hendrix play, and he supposedly went home and cried because he could never be that good. I would never do anything that fruity, but I can relate to that. I wish I was as great as other guys, and that sucks. So I get the blues, and I self-medicate.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.