Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 322
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did when you were little. I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus. They act like I dropped the baby Jesus. So now, they still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby. Let me see the baby.' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.
Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick.
I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.
Jen said she'd never ever see me again. When I saw her again, she said it again.
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"
Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.
The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, "Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?"
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
God, maybe instead of resting on the seventh day you should of thought about compassion.