Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324
I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.
If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.
Oh aye... my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, "Have ye had enough?" Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? "Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question?"
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.
I don’t believe Scots are as tight as people say, but I did hear that when two taxis collided in Glasgow recently 48 people were injured.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle-baby.
George W. Bush, who said to Pope John Paul II, "Give us a visit, and bring the missus." Never got a dinner!
I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.
I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.
L.A. is such a different place. I miss New York so much. I almost teared up when I came back and wanted a Guinness and realized I could drink it and take a cab home. I remembered that I could be a functional alcoholic in New York, like I used to be!
This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.