Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324
It's been five years, we still can't catch Osama bin Laden, but we've nailed Martha Stewart and Barry Bonds' ass to the wall. The world's worst terrorist is still dragging his dialysis machine through a Pakistani strip mall right now, but the doily broad and the slugger prick won't bother us again.
Will god punish them or will he leave it to the correct of authorities?
I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.
Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.
The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
L.A. is such a different place. I miss New York so much. I almost teared up when I came back and wanted a Guinness and realized I could drink it and take a cab home. I remembered that I could be a functional alcoholic in New York, like I used to be!
I think it’s appropriate to start off with a rape joke. It’s good to find out what kind of audience I’m dealing with.
Since the bus, a lot of people go to Florida who wouldn't if they had to hire a driver.
It doesn't matter how much of an asshole you are, there was always someone who thought you were cool.
Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!
A review of studies by physicians found that excessive exercise is bad for your heart. Another study says a daily serving of chocolate is actually good for your heart. That's got to make next year New Year's resolution easier to keep. "I'm going to exercise less. Eat a little more chocolate."