Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. … They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. … I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.

Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Will god punish them or will he leave it to the correct of authorities?

We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Most of my family were nuts. My mother gave my sister's dolls polio shots.

Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... DJ Abraham Lincoln.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.

Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look fucking great.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.