Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324

When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that’s the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Give me tired old whore porn... I can imagine she would at least fuck you well.

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly.

Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I'm not ready to die. Period. To begin with, I cannot imagine a future without me in it. Can't do it.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

Change is such hard work.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

It's Friday bitches! Lets get fucked up!

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

We got interns at the job. You can just tell them to do stuff. You gotta be nice, though. I had this cat fax something. I handed him a couple of pages, and I handed him another page. I said, 'Hey, man, fax something for yourself, too.'

Now, I'm no bleeding heart, OK? But... when you're walking down the streets of New York City and you're stepping over a guy on the sidewalk who, I don't know, might be dead... Does it ever occur to you to think, "Wow. Maybe our system doesn't work?"