Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 324

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

You know your school is crappy when they advertise it on the subway.

With all the horrible, horrible shit that your priest is pumping into your kid's head, his dick should be the least of your worries, honestly. That's just a little mouthwash and a few years of therapy'll get rid of that. That Jesus shit will torture you for a lifetime.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'

I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.

I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.

You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.

Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.