Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 325

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Men don’t give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, “What’s this kissing thing? Why would I ride on the swings? I’ve already been to Disneyland.”

The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”

Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

Women don't care, man. If the beat's all right, she will dance all night! I've seen girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. It's like, "Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick! … I put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear! … Fuck her in the eye, fuck her in the eye! … Blind the bitch, blind the bitch!"

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.

Relaxed Empiricism - I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me it happened.

I don’t think there’s anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment.

Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look fucking great.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I had my hands around his neck but then I saw my bracelet. What would Jesus do?? So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell.