Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 323

Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.

Frankie Valli sings 'Walk Like A Man, Talk Like A Man'... sings it like a woman!

A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

In New York I'm, like, a six - seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, 'What the fuck is that?' Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, 'Beyonce calls it jelly.' They were like, 'That's cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'

Saying “yes” doesn’t mean I don’t know how to say no, and saying “please” doesn’t mean I am waiting for permission.

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my own voicemails.

I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.

Everybody needs a prenuptial agreement. People think you gotta be rich to get a prenup. Oh no! You got 20 million and your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make 30,000… and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.