Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 323

You got yourself a butt sniffing monkey.

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that.

You know, the funny thing about Lorne and that show is that, you can go over one million things, but in a business of bean counters, he still likes to laugh at small things and creates a show around it.

Dee dee dee!

I was never brave before. I always tried to make it work. Now I have nothing to lose except some cash, and it's just not that important to me. I've never been allowed up until now to remain who I am, or true to what my life is like.

When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.

I just can't dance like no ones watching. I tried but it's futile.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.