Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 323

Life is like one big Mardi Gras. But instead of showing your boobs, show people your brain, and if they like what they'll, you'll have more beads than you know what to do with.

Well, that's exactly the wrong attitude. That is not the attitude they had in World War II. Your attitude is that freedom means you can do whatever you want whenever you want it, and that sacrifice is somehow un-American. But the idea that we should also be defensive about our flaws and weaknesses and our vulnerabilities is ridiculous.

Queen Victoria, one of our more frumpy Queen’s. They’re all frumpy aren’t they? Because it’s a bad idea when cousin’s marry.

Gay pride's beautiful. If somebody needs to be expressing that, then it's a positive thing.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don't know if it's possible forever and ever.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swim next time, Ok Jerry?

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

If your Birthday is on Christmas day and you're not Jesus, you should start telling people your birthday is on June 9 or something. Just read up on the traits of a Gemini. Suddenly you're a multitasker who loves the color yellow. Because not only do you get stuck with them combo gift, you get the combo song. "We wish you a merry Christmas - and happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas - happy birthday, Terry - we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Ye - Birthday, Terry!"

People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.