Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
Does everybody have their WWJD bracelets on? 'Cause I was wearing my bracelet recently, and I was in the movie theater, and this guy's cell phone went off - don't you just hate that? Then he picked it up, 'Hey, how's it going? I'm in a movie.' And I'm like, 'Hey! Get off the phone!' And he's like, 'Mind your own business.' And I almost went crazy, but then I looked at my bracelet: what would Jesus do? So I lit him on fire and sent him to Hell.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.
I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.
I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.
Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you're the one who stops yourself.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
I love animals. I couldn't eat a whole one but I'll split one with you if you want.