Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329

You might be a redneck if you use your fishing license as a form of ID.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.

I’m driving down the highway, there’s a guy hitchhiking he’s holding a sign that says ‘heaven’. So i hit him.

A few days ago, it was my birthday, and it was in the newspaper, and growing up I never would have guessed that a) my name would be in the newspaper, and b) that I might outlast those papers.

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.

Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.

There's no way to describe what I do. It's just me.

Don’t thank the lord, I gave you that compliment… Thank me.

Babies: they're not just for Puerto Ricans anymore.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?