Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329
This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Fuck someone uglier than you every now and then, even if they don't deserve it; cos that makes people happy.
I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. … They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. … I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Women are more emotional. They do get flustered. Which is not to say that men are better than they. It's simply the way it is.
Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
You used to be looking good from afar. Now you just far from looking good!