Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'
I hate when I go in for a handshake, I’m coming in traditional, I’m showing you my hand and the person comes back at me with like the fist thing and then I got to scramble, like upgrade, oh so we’re doing the fist. Okay like cause yours is new I go to do your thing. So I don’t do it, I just go like, paper covers rock bitch.
Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
If a guy’s ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he’ll just break down and cry. He knows you know.
That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!
Even the klan revamped their image by losing the hoods and changing their name to the Tea Party.