Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 329
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals.
I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'
My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
I was in Philadelphia - a very angry town, Philadelphia. I've never seen a town like this. It's supposed to be the City of Brotherly Love - like when my brother was 12 and I was nine, and he would lean on my shoulder and dangle spit in my face.
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
I’m trying to feel terrified and alone. And regret every decision I’ve ever made, drenched in a cold sweat. It’s called going to sleep. Maybe you’ve heard of it.