Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 328
What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
We really see the live shows as something totally separate from the TV show, even if the audience may not see it that way.
If a guy’s ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he’ll just break down and cry. He knows you know.
That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.
I have a disease, I'm alergic to stupid shit. now some of y'all might have that same disease. But if you have the disease, you know for a fact, that it does not start when you're an adult; It starts when you're a child. I remember as a child being allergic to stupid Shit.
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
People will bitch about anything. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to necessarily be a serious topic like religion. It could be anything and people will have a problem. I’m telling you! It could be anything.
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.