Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 328

I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.

I've decided to take my grandmother off of life support. As soon as she gets sick.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

I flew to France. That's a long flight from L.A. to France, like 16 hours. And you just get off the plane and you smell like ass and you feel like ass, and then you meet French people, and you're like, 'I'm fresh as a daisy. These people smell like ass.'

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Tony Adams, on his first day in prison, was complaining because he wanted the walls back 12 yards.

You might be a redneck if directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."

I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.

You ever pull out money too big in front of a homeless dude? You're like, 'Let me give you some - oh, shit.' He like, 'Give me that $100.' 'No, here's some pennies.'

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.