Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 328
Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.
Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail - do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail - gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
I flew to France. That's a long flight from L.A. to France, like 16 hours. And you just get off the plane and you smell like ass and you feel like ass, and then you meet French people, and you're like, 'I'm fresh as a daisy. These people smell like ass.'
Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out he spent two weeks at a nudist colony.
I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.
I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight away.