Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330
When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I flew to France. That's a long flight from L.A. to France, like 16 hours. And you just get off the plane and you smell like ass and you feel like ass, and then you meet French people, and you're like, 'I'm fresh as a daisy. These people smell like ass.'
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
People are inspired to do remarkable things to find and be with the one they love.
Valentine’s Day – a nice holiday because it’s the first day of the rest of your wife.
She wrote me this beautiful letter, and I read it, and at the bottom, I crossed her name off, and I wrote my own name, and I sent it back to her. And I never heard from her ever again. Apparently, she didn't like what she wrote.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
I was hanging out with my little nephew, and the kid - he had a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, some shin guards, gloves. Talk about, 'I'm a go ride my bike.' I'm like, 'Where - through a mine field?'