Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

I loathed every day and regret every day I spent in school.

You need an audience to help you figure out what’s working and what’s worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what’s worth touring with.

I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.

The biggest waste of brainpower is to want to change something that's not changeable.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!

No matter what tricks you use or what decisions you make, go easy on yourself as someone who’s on a never-ending quest for improvement.

You loan your friend money. You see them again, they don't say nothin' 'bout the money. 'Hi, how ya doin'? How's ya mama doing?' Man, how's my money doin'?

Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?

The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They're all running for the presidency.

I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in high school.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one-except the Lord."