Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330
When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."
I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter.
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
That’s the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
I’m a major hypochondriac. I won’t even masturbate anymore. I’m afraid I might give myself something.
Long Island - if you're from out of town, how would I describe it? Well, every girl in my neighborhood looked like Kenny G.
Credit-card debt and day trading-I feel like Michael Corleone in Godfather III, just when I think out, they pull me back in.
The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.
I said I didn't respect religion... and anyone who believes in fairy tales to answer questions that we can't answer. So I don't respect our religions either. But I do believe it is a clash of civilizations, absolutely, between the Islamic world and the Western world. It has been going on for 1,000 years.