Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts.

Stop whining about getting old. It’s a privilege. A lot of people who are dead wish they were still alive.

I don’t believe in premature ejaculation. If I come, it was right on time.

Only God can judge wet t-shirt contests.

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Wrestling’s like Broadway for Hillbillies. It’s the third-favorite white-trash pastime behind incest and NASCAR.

My stand-up act? I combine the fact that the world is a violent place with the fact that each person is responsible for the situation they are in.

You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.

I'm screwed. My girlfriend just found my massive porno collection. DVDs, magazines and hard drives. All over at her sister's place.

We used to root for the Indians against the cavalry, because we didn't think it was fair in the history books that when the cavalry won it was a great victory, and when the Indians won it was a massacre.

I got on the property ladder this year. It’s murder getting that deposit together. You start having dark thoughts, looking at your mum and dad thinking, ‘If only they had an accident…’.

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"