Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 330

I couldn't possibly explain why the common person would be against something like that. It's all rooted in sexual hang-ups. The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society. I don't know why anyone would want to get married heterosexually, so why they'd be against homosexual marriage is flummoxing. I only use that word when I'm talking to someone from the British press.

L.A. is such a different place. I miss New York so much. I almost teared up when I came back and wanted a Guinness and realized I could drink it and take a cab home. I remembered that I could be a functional alcoholic in New York, like I used to be!

A dangerous fire retardant chemical is being found in women's breast milk. My wife's breastfeeding, but you know, you gotta be an optimist. I'm like, well, maybe it's making my child fireproof.

I got my start in silent radio.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'

I like old people falling over, that's what makes me laugh.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

You shouldn't get too close to the truth, because then maybe you stop being funny.

Edible underwear?… even during sex, we can't stop eating.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Dee dee dee!

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine.