Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 349
And if I am crying, it's not cuz of you, it's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine, who you don't know, who is dying, that's right dying.
Today being a stand-up means that you have to throw them a joke, then another and then another and then follow up with some kind of storytelling.
Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.
Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to fucking work okay? That is it, end of fucking list!
I like getting a massage, but it's hard to relax because the whole time, you're laying there for an hour with a stranger, naked, with your ass in the air - a lot of trust involved. You can't really concentrate because you just keep saying to yourself, 'Don't fart. Don't fart. Don't fart. No boners. No farts.'
When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass "I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!"
The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, "I've decided to wait for the circus to come."
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.