Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 349
Black people drink lots of beer. However, you won't see us skiing down a mountain for one, or see us diving for Frisbees on concrete for one.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Ladies, I will fuck you with my second place chess trophy. I have a first place chess trophy but the second place has the bishop on top - and that is for you.
When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other. I enjoy pushing my characters to the limit. No matter how far out there I go, I look for things that make the characters human. While many comics have a secret persona, I fundamentally want to be myself.
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
It's kind of a dream come true, because we've always loved these films. We've loved this character, and now we have the opportunity to not remake the movie, but to play these characters. It's like playing Hamlet.
If you really are superior, you don't go around saying you're superior - unless you're Jewish.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.
Louisiana has the best food on the planet if you don't really ask too much about what you're eating.
Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.