Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 349
A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part.
You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?
I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Making people laugh is what I've been doing since I was like four or five years old. I still have a lust, I still have a passion. I don't care about how I look, I'm dedicated to the laughs.
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
For a long time, because it goes against the message that the advertising world sends to you, they were ashamed they didn't have the coolest clothes, the coolest cars, couldn't afford to go here, buy this and do that. I think we finally all got together and went, 'You know what? We like being this way.'
I had an abortion when I was 16. Because that’s what I should have done. Otherwise I would now have a 20-year-old kid. Anyway, those are things that people shouldn’t be dishonest about it.
I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.
There's a lot of cynicism. Let's really enjoy Christmas, with all that's going on in the world.