Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 348
But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"
Dad instantly set out his stall:he wanted a big dog, a 'man dog',a dog that if it was human would enjoy a pint and stare at the barmaid's arse
You might be a redneck if you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Sylvia Plath – interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college girl mentality.
In my twenties I tried cocaine, which I instantly loved but eventually hated. Cocaine is terrific if you want to hang out with people you don’t know very well and play Ping-Pong all night. It’s bad for almost everything else.
Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin' out. He's like 'the electric chair? That's too good for these people. That's too good for them'. Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?