Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 348
Sarcasm - I get it now! See at the time I thought your jokey manner was just the way you were sublimating your shame over the discomfort you feel deep in your soul after extinguishing the last smoldering embers of any of your program’s journalistic bonafides!
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties.
I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”
In New York I'm, like, a six - seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, 'What the fuck is that?' Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, 'Beyonce calls it jelly.' They were like, 'That's cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books; how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread.
Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.
Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."
We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
Connecting with people is not hard. I love the interaction and the feedback after shows. It does take some time, but the fans appreciate it which makes it worth it.
I like getting a massage, but it's hard to relax because the whole time, you're laying there for an hour with a stranger, naked, with your ass in the air - a lot of trust involved. You can't really concentrate because you just keep saying to yourself, 'Don't fart. Don't fart. Don't fart. No boners. No farts.'
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!