Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 348
Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.
They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
I am now half Asian. I have learned all the ancient teachings of Buddi.
While all the other kids were out playing ball and stuff, I used to stay in my room and imagine that there was a camera in the wall. And I used to really believe that I was putting on a television show and that it was going out to somewhere in the world.
You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... husband!
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love - the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.
My dad always said, "If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade". Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.
Sophisticated people invest their money in stock portfolios. Rednecks invest their money in commemorative plates.
I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula.
On New Year's Eve, people in New Jersey stay up 'til midnight and watch their hopes drop.