Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 348
I do want children. I study dads more. I watch what they go through. I admire my father more than I ever did and my brother and my sister.
I don’t consider myself beautiful or famous, but my vagina certainly is. Everyone knows this. I have the Angelina Jolie of vaginas.
I don't like this reality television, I have to be honest, ... I think real people should not be on television. It's for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real.
There are bound to be some lies here, but I’ve been telling them so long they’ve become truth, my truth, as close as I can get to what really happened.
Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.
A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, "What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that." And I’m like, "Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that’s close enough."
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
Last week I lost my temper in my karate class. Man, I’m not doing that again until I’m a black belt. Because I can tell you there’s a difference between taking karate and receiving karate.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
Often the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.