Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
It takes intelligence to make real comedy, and it takes a reality base to create all that little stuff I like to do that makes you giggle inside.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
You know, a lot of people think that just cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will; but, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
What is dumber than a blind person with a gun? The idiot who handed them the gun. Where do you hide from a blind person with a gun? How do you make a noise that ain't like a rabbit?
Now I don't have anything against Mexican people, but for God's sakes, sign the gust book on the way in.
I know a husband whose neighbour boasted, “I got a cute little red sports car for my wife yesterday.” “Gosh,” sighed my friend, “I wish I could make a trade like that.”
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.