Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350
Orson Welles, who said to Anita Bryant, "Stop picketing me. What I said was I was a thespian." Never got a dinner!
The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
Ladies, you want your dishes done? Talk to your husband as if you were his male roommate. Come home from work and go “Hey, do the dishes dick!” and walk away.
Honesty and unpopular opinions are the toughest sell in a country with an irony-deficiency.
I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.
With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.
I love mullets. The other day, in Pittsburgh, I saw the greatest mullet I've ever seen. I can't describe it. It was just the mullet of all time; complete 'business in the front, party in the back.' I've never seen anything like it.
It's kind of a dream come true, because we've always loved these films. We've loved this character, and now we have the opportunity to not remake the movie, but to play these characters. It's like playing Hamlet.
You know a lot of geniuses, y’know. You should meet some stupid people once in a while, y’know, you could learn something.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.