Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350
I can't get the fuckin' trees, damn I will kill everyone in the world!
I met this girl at a rock concert once, and we went back to her place. She lit some candles and incense and said, ‘All right, Emo, you make the next move.’ …So I sacrificed her poodle to Zorkon the Space God.
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.
Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"
He's a real loser. He moved into a new neighborhood and got run over by the Welcome Wagon.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.
I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.