Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350
If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.
I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.
My parents just didn't like me. Till I was 9, my mother was trying to get an abortion. That sticks with you. That hurts. She said to her doctor, 'Is there any possible way to get rid of this thing?'
This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!
Things can be funny only when we are in fun. When we're 'dead earnest,' humor is the only thing that is dead.
The world is so ass-backwards it almost makes you wish you were dyslexic.
I hate my supervisor. Behind her desk it says. ‘You don’t have to be mad to work her, but it helps. ‘Mind you, she’s written it in her own shit.”
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick... that I can remember.
It’s very easy to attack ourselves. Even comforting in its familiarity, but you must resist this urge at all costs. Dwelling on the past or your perceived flaws will do nothing but keep you under emotional house arrest and hamper your progress. Commit yourself to growth and reward yourself with kindness for choosing to do so!
It would be ridiculous for me to say anything negative regarding blacks having an equal opportunity on TV.