Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

I think that God is disappointed in anal sex. I think he thinks to himself, “It’s just that I worked so hard on the vagina. I thought you guys would go crazy for it… It’s like the lobby of a great hotel. There’s carpeting and drapes and it’s warm. It’s an entry way and a exit way for babies, the greatest thing there is. And all you freaks want to do is to come in the back by the dumpster. I don’t get it!”

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

Let’s say a guy walks up wearing the goofiest shoes you’ve ever seen. Crocs maybe.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

Black cats don’t worry about going bald. We know we don’t have a lot of options, so we adapt to it pretty fast. Black cat will look in the mirror and say, “I’m bald… can’t be pulling no hair from over here and combing it over there… so I just shave this shit off.” White dudes they fight baldness to the death. I know a white guy with one hair, got it swirled all over his head.

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

Joseph Cotten, who said, "You know how I got my name? Sammy Davis picked it for me." Never got a dinner!

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye.