Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 350
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.
I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
I just like observing people - it's something I've done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that.
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
My girlfriend just asked me for ten grand because she wants fake tits. I said no, baby. You need fake tits.
He's a real loser. He moved into a new neighborhood and got run over by the Welcome Wagon.
I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.
Comic-Con starts today. It’s a four-day celebration of science fiction and comics. Every year, an army of geeks descends on San Diego. If you live anywhere other than San Diego and you need a computer fixed, you’re screwed.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.